Galanty Miller

 

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Follow me on Twitter! @galantymiller

Here are some of my recent tweets...

 

June 16, 2016: I support multi-vulturism because I want to live in a world where vultures, buzzards, and condors are all treated equally.

June 15, 2016: March 4. That's when I officially stop wishing people a "happy new year!"

June 14, 2016: I tried to kill myself by driving into a concrete wall. Luckily, though, I was wearing my seatbelt.

June 13, 2016: It's hard for me to have normal conversations with people because I'm terrible at remembering my lines.

June 12, 2016: Despite my muscular physique, I failed as a bodybuilder because I was terrible at oiling myself up.

June 11, 2016: When serial killers read all those inspirational posts that people put up on Facebook, do you think that inspires them to kill more people?

June 10, 2016: Honking your car horn at someone is a form of bullying.

June 9, 2016: Most politicians could've easily avoided that sex scandal if they had simply chosen not to get married.

June 8, 2016: I have an idea for a horror movie in which the family's 8-foot tall, fire-breathing evil statue of Satan COMES ALIVE!!

June 7, 2016: I started a summer camp for kids who've never had the chance to experience summer.

June 6, 2016: When I drive, I keep my shotgun in the front passenger seat next to me.

June 5, 2016: Do you think Superman has a weakness for kryptonite pussy?

June 4, 2016: I save a ton of money on toilet paper by just going to the bathroom at other people’s houses.

June 3, 2016: Valentine’s Day is just a big ploy by the greeting card companies to get us to think we love our spouse.

June 2, 2016: Congrats/Sending Prayers to (celebrity) on his/her marriage/divorce announcement

June 1, 2016: I put a voodoo doll of myself over a fire because I’m feeling a little chilly.

May 24, 2016: I've found the secret to happiness is a job you love, healthy eating, getting a good night's sleep, and abandoning your family.

May 23, 2016: I don't support racial profiling unless it's absolutely racist to keep our country safe.

May 22, 2016: They say blondes have more fun so when my grandma was put on life support, we put a blonde wig on her head.

May 21, 2016: According to my psychic reading this afternoon, I’m going to get conned out of my money sometime this afternoon.

April 20, 2016: I just got dental implants. So I left a few dollars under my pillow for the tooth fairy.

April 19, 2016: When I was on vacation in Hollywood, I bought a “map to the star’s homes” in the run-down shack where Dustin Diamond lives.

April 18, 2016: My girlfriend and I have a like/hate relationship. (I have a difficult time expressing love.)

April 17, 2016: I tell kids in prison that with hard work, patience, & a positive attitude- that one day they'll achieve their dreams if they weren't in prison.

April 16, 2016: First we didn't protect our borders. And it turned into a disaster. So now I think we should build a big wall around our Barnes & Noble.

April 15, 2016:  I spend Christmas with my family. But as soon as it's over, i go back to my loved ones.

February 16, 2016: Middle-aged men with high blood pressure should never be allowed to own a salt weapons.

February 15, 2016: I truly believe that our nation works best when Americans are completely divided over every single issue.

February 14, 2016: If I could have dinner with any two people, living or dead, I’d choose Gandhi & Kylie Jenner- so Gandhi could see how the world turned out.

February 13, 2016: It was an ugly divorce. But I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex-wife, just to show there are no hard feelings.

February 12, 2016: Medical technology is amazing. I truly believe that in my lifetime, a mound of cocaine will be replaced by a single pill.

February 11, 2016: You’ve meant so much to me in my life. And now I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I truly truly love (SPOILER ALERT) doughnuts.

February 10, 2016: Maybe my ungrateful, unappreciative family should celebrate YOU’RE WELCOMESGIVING!

February 9, 2016: Whoever invented Twitter knew the exact amount of characters necessary to keep your tweets from being significant.

February 8, 2016: Here’s another kids joke for adults: Q Why was six attracted to seven? A Because seven ate out nine.

February 7, 2106: Always rest on your Hardee’s. 

February 6, 2016: On my new Facebook update, I confessed my mad, passionate love to a woman. She “liked” it… but “as a friend”.    

February 5, 2016: Our space shuttle has an outdoor pool.    

February 4, 2016: Never let them see you sweat… unless they think you’re dead and are about to bury you alive.

February 3, 2016: I won’t allow my kids to spend more than an hour a day programming the DVR.

February 2, 2016: My aunt is a hoarder so we’re helping her throw away all these piles of gold bars.

February 1, 2016: If you’re going to have a one-night stand with a long sentence, then don’t forget to wear a comma. 

January 8, 2016: Don’t forget! Tomorrow is National Yesterday Day. It’s the one day of the year that we get together to celebrate today.

January 7, 2016: My girlfriend and I got matching tattoos. Now we both have a picture of my face on our asses.   

January 6 2016: I submitted to a DNA test in order to prove that's my biological foot. 

January 5, 2016: I wonder how many undiscovered colors are still out there?

January 4, 2016: Veterans Day should include people like me, who planned on joining the military but just never got around to it. 

January 3, 2017: In retrospect, I kind of feel like Beyonce was only reaching out to some of the single ladies.

January 2, 2017: Sometimes I just want to tell all my friends to GO TO HELL (Unfortunately, I don’t have any friends.)

December 24, 2016: “What, you think you’re better than me?!”- drunk guy meeting Jesus

December 22, 2016: How much are you supposed to tip the guy who repossesses your car?

December 21 2016: If God is omnipotent, can he come up with an existential question so deep that even he can’t answer it?

December 20, 2016: With all the horrible things going on in the world, it’s very comforting to know that at least Mr. Rogers is still alive.

December 19, 2016: Bisexual? Heck, I’m trisexual because I won’t try anything.

December 18, 2016: The first time I ever saw Frozen I was totally confused until someone explained that it was just a movie.

December 17, 2016: So much information out there. Teens need to know that you can’t get AIDS by humping your friends’ furniture when you housesit for them.

December 16, 2016: Yes, I realize that doctors recommend against it, but I just prefer the feeling of using lambskin condoms to not wearing a prophylactic.

December 15, 2016: As my financial advisor explained it to me, “You’re bankrupt because you spent all your savings on expensive European skin moisturizers.”

December 13, 2015: I believe that inside every man beats the heart of a person.

December 12, 2015: The best way to close the loophole for gun shows is to arm the people trying to close the loophole.

December 11, 2105: On a scale of 1 to 100, rate “James Bond” actor Daniel Craig’s handsomeness.

December 10, 2015: And then one day, Broogah- considered the most inventive of the cavemen- introduced “pants” to the rest of the group.

December 9, 2015: My foot fell asleep. My other foot passed out.

December 8, 2105: You know the ole’ saying- an apple a day keeps the pharmaceutical companies trying to get a patent on apples.

December 7, 2105: I’m training my dog to follow me on Twitter.

December 6, 2015: Eight-years-old is a little young for my daughter to have her own iPhone, but now I can keep in touch w/her on nights she goes out with her friends.

December 5, 2015: My teenage son makes fun of me because I still use a flip phone. And in turn, I make fun of him because he’s still a virgin.

December 4, 2015: I’m a black belt in the ancient art of “karate belt stealing.”

December 3, 2015: I broke up with the woman who traveled back with me in our time machine because I just don’t see a future together.

December 2, 2015: When I was a teenager, my parents forced me into “gay conversion therapy.” It was traumatic, but my parents just really wanted me to be gay.

December 1, 2015: I’m taking an on-line course to learn how to better communicate with people.

November 20, 2015: I’m not a fan of reheated ice cream.

November 29 2015: I realize it's not daylight savings time today, but I turned back my clock an hour last night so I could get a little extra sleep. 

November 28, 2105: One time Ben let Jerry take the lead... and the ice cream was horrible. 

November 27, 2015: “Okay, now I’ll do you.” (what I say to the doctor after my colonoscopy)

November 26, 2015: I won’t let my kids drive until they’re old enough to steal a car.

November 25, 2015: We need a President who will fight for the sleeping class.

November 24, 2015: And for my third and final wish, I’d like, oh, I don’t know, I guess I could use a more comfortable chair.

November 23, 2015: Just a friendly reminder to have your pets spayed and married!

November 22, 2015: I got thrown off Wheel of Fortune after they caught me trying to steal a vowel.

November 21, 2015: I think the best way to get young people interested in politics is to convince them that voting is exactly like going to a hip-hop concert.

November 20, 2015: Growing up, we were so poor that when my dad took us to see the car show, it was actually just the mall parking lot.

November 19, 2015: OMG Do you realize that today is the 50th Anniversary- more or less- of the first moon landing?!

November 18, 2105: My grandpa is a super nice guy and he has lots of funny stories. But whatever you do, do not ask him about the time he murdered 251 people.

November 17, 2015: I gave my son money for textbooks and he blew it on drugs.. which isn’t a huge surprise since my son is a 51-year-old homeless drug addict.

November 16, 2015: Wait- so Puff Daddy and P Diddy are the same guy?!

November 15, 2015: For Thanksgiving this year, we’re giving out Snickers.

November 14, 2015: I can tell you the problem with today’s teenagers. It’s very simpler; they’ve got no GUMPTION.

November 13, 2015: Is that a ghost in your pants or are you just scared to see me?

November 12, 2015: Have you noticed that the majority of serial killers are ticklish?

November 11, 2015: I truly believe that Michael Vick feels remorse for all the dogs he is going to kill.

November 10, 2015: I’m afraid to try stand-up comedy out of fear the audience will notice my erection.

November 9, 2015: As much as I believe in the 2nd Amendment, I do believe in laws that would eliminate loopholes at Well Regulated Militia shows.

November 8, 2015: Sometimes I feel like the NFL is not doing enough to lower awareness for domestic abuse.

November 7, 2015: I hope they retire my number because it’s 65.

November 7, 2015: My kid is hitting .400 in Little League but this will probably be his last year because he's in his mid-forties.

November 6, 2015: You should be aware that those inspiration messages you post on Facebook make me feel awful about myself.

November 6, 2015: My doctor said I was going to die. I actually FEEL very healthy. On the other hand, my doctor is pointing a gun at me.

November 6, 2015: To be honest, I’m not the best singer in the world. So to keep the audience entertained, I also do magic tricks in-between songs.

November 6, 2015: I’m writing an autobiography. I’m up to the chapter where I decide to fabricate my autobiography.

November 6, 2015: I would consider getting plastic surgery if, for some reason, I had to leave my house.

November 5, 2015: QUESTION OF THE DAY: Does the government have the right to force mothers to cut their toddler sons’ long hair because it looks stupid?

November 5, 2015: Do you think the nation’s grammar is deteriorating!

November 5, 2015: I can tell when my wife is mad at me because she withholds rough sex.

November 5, 2015: Don’t be afraid of the challenges that lie ahead. Instead, just avoid them.

November 4, 2015: I’m disappointed by the planet’s lack of racial diversity.

November 4, 2015: Time sure does fly. It seems like only yesterday that I was saying, “Can you believe tomorrow is only a day away?”

November 4, 2015: Here’s an important lesson I learned: Never bring a spoon to a gunfight.

November 4, 2015: “Sometimes I think the whole world it out to pet me.” – paranoid dog

November 3, 2015: After televised Presidential debates, I like to analyze which network’s focus group won.

November 2, 2015: I want to star in a reality show about the Kardashians' life.

November 2, 2015: Remember- the most dangerous place to be during a hurricane is inside a freezer.

November 2, 2015: A Glade plug-in that smells like AIR? But that doesn’t make any scents.

November 2, 2015: If I could have dinner with any 3 people in the world, dead or alive, it would be whoever the most popular kids in high school are right now.

November 2, 2015: Okay. Fine. I’ll be your damn kids’ role model.

November 2, 2015: Your life is defined by how you’ve affected other people… until the day those people die… and then your life is meaningless.

November 2, 2015: I’m sending out prayers to all the people sending out prayers to me. That way, my prayers will block their lame prayers from getting to me.

November 1, 2015: I could never vote for anyone who doesn’t believe in Godzilla.

November 1, 2015: Let’s play rock, paper, scissors! I’ll be rock. You be scissors.

November 1, 2015: My car runs entirely on the laughter generated by 2 Broke Girls. It’s sitting in the garage.

November 1, 2015: You’re never too old to learn something old. I just found out that dolphins aren’t fish.  

November 1, 2015: Want some advice? If you’re looking for a violent sadomasochism illegal sex partner, avoid Craigslist because it’s a bunch of weirdos. 

November 1, 2015: Is there some way I can automatically send my “happy birthday” Facebook greetings to my spam folder? 

Halloween, 2015: OMG I found a razor blade in my bag of Halloween cocaine.

Halloween, 2015: Halloween Safety Tip: Rather than letting your kids go out trick-or-treating this year, have them stay home and watch television.

Halloween, 2015: Instead of unhealthy candy, for Halloween this year, I’m handing out selfies.

Halloween, 2015: I LOVE Halloween because it’s the one night of the year that I can murder people.

Halloween, 2015: Remember to open all candy wrappers & carefully inspect the candy for razor blades, poisons, etc. before handing it out to children.

Halloween, 2015: A popular trick-or-treating costume in my neighborhood, after nine o’clock, is “scary fat teenager wearing shorts.”

Halloween, 2015: Honestly, I don’t even LIKE candy. I just enjoy stealing it from kids.

Halloween, 2015: I’m offended by culturally/racially insensitive costumes people wear on Halloween, so I never wear my costumes on Halloween.

Halloween, 2015: Last year I spent the night in big pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin to arrive and I ended up getting beat up by frat guys.

October 15, 2015: In a perfect world, EVERYONE would be trending.

October 15, 2015: Hey, guys. I'm looking for a place to crash tonight...maybe 2 nights...I'll be gone by the end of the week...9 days tops...I'm never leaving

October 14, 2015: Fun Fact: The average American spends 16 percent of their life stealing stuff.

October 14, 2015: If I was a track coach, I'd tell my sprinters to run faster.

October 14, 2015: I don't like to have too many friends on Facebook because it makes it easier to keep track of who unfriends me.

October 13, 2015: My earliest memory is when I was a newborn baby being brought home from the hospital. Oops- I meant to write "my ONLY memory."

October 13, 2015: I can throw a baseball 95 MPH but I never made it to the Major Leagues because I could never find a uniform that fit comfortably.

October 13, 2015: Do plastic bottles make good pets?

October 13, 2015: I’d rather regret the things I DO than the things I didn’t do. And, not surprisingly, there are millions of things I regret doing.

October 13, 2015: Darn, I can’t remember where I buried my car keys.

October 13, 2015: I save all my credit card statements from the last five years just in case I ever decide to pay them.

October 13, 2015: If I knew my daughter was going to become a full-time stripper, I never would’ve given her all that money for graduate school.

October 13, 2015: I think that police should also wear body cameras INSIDE their clothes so that we can see their genitals.

October 12, 2015: My 8-year-old absolutely LOVES his junior mixed martial arts cage-fighting league. The problem is the idiot PARENTS screaming in the stands.

October 12, 2015: I went to a matchmaker because I’m looking to hook up tonight.

October 12, 2015: We had to install medal-detectors in order to keep out Olympians.

October 12, 2015: Rarely am I more excited than when I read my local newspaper’s crime report and recognize the name of someone I went to high school with.

October 12, 2015: I support the death penalty for people who would commit heinous crimes if they had the chance.

October 11, 2015: If I’m invited to a dinner party, I always bring a nice bottle of wine if I think it will help initiate an after-dinner orgy.

October 11, 2015: Wait- if the Pope flew back to the Vatican, then who the hell is this guy washing my bare feet?!?!

October 11, 2015: I’m mad as hell, and I’m gonna keep taking it!!!

October 11, 2015: I’m always afraid that when I’m in the audience, the stand-up comedian will ask me “where I’m from” and I won’t have a funny response.

October 11, 2015: I’m not afraid to kiss my old-fashioned landline phone because I’m secure in my heterotextuality.

October 10, 2015: I built an underground shelter in case there’s a nuclear war. But it’s ONLY for celebrities.

October 10, 2015: My 11-year-old son is in high school. He’s not a genius and he’s failing all his classes. But we moved him ahead because he’s just so mature.

October 10, 2015: I memorized the alphabet up to H.

October 10, 2015: When people ask me where I keep my Academy Award, I explain that I don’t have one.

October 9, 2015: We couldn't enjoy our romantic dinner because of all the screaming kids in the background. That's the last time I take a date to Chuck E. Cheese.

October 8, 2015: I'm organizing a fundraiser to pay for all this fancy cheese.

October 8, 2015: Our fingernails never stop growing- which, when you think about it, basically makes us monsters.

October 7, 2015: And yet another day goes by where "OMG That's so f*cked up!" was the sentence I said the most.

October 7, 2015: To all the people out there who have “unfollowed” me- do you understand that you’re hurting feelings?

October 6, 2015: My mean-spirited grandma's dying wish was to be cremated and her ashes mixed with powdered milk. Someone spilled the urn. Nobody cried.

October 5, 2015: Never look a gift horse in the mouth... unless someone gives you an iWatch. Then you should shoot it.

October 5, 2015: RIP Danny Glover (Oh, he's not dead. He's just resting.)

October 4, 2015: I think EVERYONE is 49% gay and 49% straight. And the other 2% is our sexual attraction to furniture.

October 3, 2015: I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve lost a finger. (twice)

October 2, 2015: I watch the Presidential debates for one reason only- the faint, unlikely hope that, when it’s over, the candidates will kiss each other.

October 1, 2015: Everybody has a best friend. But not everybody is somebody’s best friend. Life is sad.

September 29, 2015: I would like to see CNN host a political debate for the candidates’ spouses.

September 28, 2015: Guns don’t chill people RELAXING MUSIC chills people.

September 27, 2015: The flight was a nightmare because I was sitting next to a screaming, neglected baby the entire time. Next time I’m leaving him home.

September 26, 2015: Well, I've read the Bible, and nowhere does it say anything about a PopeMobile.

September 25, 2015: My last words before I got shot at the grocery store: "Excuse me, Sir. I believe you have more than 15 items."

September 24, 2015: I’m not racist because I hate all races equally.

September 23, 2015: I went to AshleyMadison’s Garden Tools Website, but I set up a rake profile.

September 22, 2015: Me and Alex Trebek agreed that I shouldn’t be a contestant on his show because neither of us want to jeopardize our friendship.

September 21, 2015: If a person could run faster than the speed of light, and he was holding a flashlight, does the flashlight just shine darkness?

September 20, 2015: It's important to respect other people's pop cultures.

September 19, 2015: Favorite part of STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON: IceCube's character talking to his homies about a script idea for Are We There Yet? Hard core shit.

September 18 2015: When a person dies, I sit back and quietly reflect what he or she ever did for ME.

September 17, 2015: Doctors found a malignant tumor in my optimism & they were forced to remove it. Hence, I’m no longer very optimistic about my health.    

September 16, 2015: I feel like my life would be completely different if I had a fully-functioning Iron-Man suit.

September 15, 2015: "We just grew apart" is how my wife and I described our wedding reception.

September 14, 2015: Life is short, so be patient and stay within your comfort zone.

September 13, 2015: I know the secret twist on this season’s Survivor! (spoiler alert) All the contestants on the island are there against their will.

September 12, 2105: “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I drink crushed shark brain.” – The Most Interesting Man In The World

September 11, 2015: My favorite Biblical passage is the one that talks about how you shouldn’t take shit from anyone and sometimes in life you just gotta GO for it.

September 10, 2015: If Jared stays thin in prison, does that mean it wasn’t the Subway sandwiches that helped him lose the weight?

September 9 2015: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Luckily, I have a terminal disease that prevents me from sweating.

September 8, 2015: I promised the waitress that if my lottery ticket hits the jackpot, I'm going to donate a million dollars to charity in her name.

September 7, 2015: Back when Full House was on the air, a lot of people didn't realize that the Olsen twins were conjoined.

September 6, 2015: As punishment for all his heinous crimes, Jared Fogle should be forced to eat Subway sandwiches.  

September 5, 2015: I’m trying to help my grandfather lose his virginity.

September 4, 2015: I went on ad ate with a mannequin but she was just so fake.

September 3, 2015: I agreed to buy cigarettes for my kids as long as they promised not to smoke them.

September 2, 2015: I was looking through a bunch of stuff in the attic and I found a shoebox with all my old suicide notes.

September 1, 2015: Seaworld orcas are so lucky because orcas that live free in the ocean never get to experience the liberating feeling of sadness.

August 28, 2015: My wife and I are so close that we finish each other’s sentences. “I want a…”  “… divorce.”

August 27, 2015: I wonder who the first person was to ever call in a radio show and say “first time, long time.”

August 26, 2015: When I drive, I keep my shotgun in the front passenger seat next to me.

August 25, 2015: Everyone’s talking about how I filled up a little paper cone with H2O. It was a real water cooler moment.

August 24, 2015: Tomorrow I start my new job as a heart surgeon. Wish me luck!

August 23, 2015: I like my acting class because the teacher doesn’t take attendance.

August 22, 2015: I’ll only give blood if the Red Cross assures me that my blood is going to save dogs.

August 21, 2015: Can’t we just agree that ALL knives matter?

August 20, 2015: Last night I had a crazy sex dream about a happily married couple.

August 19, 2015: I always arrive to the movie early just in case there's a before-credits scene.

August 18, 2105: What female prison inmates like most about conjugal visits is the cuddling.

August 17, 2105: Can you imagine how different The Titanic film would’ve been had Leonardo DiCaprio’s role gone to a T-Rex?

August 16, 2015: I think we should use the term “Philosophically Non-Hurtful” because it’s more politically correct way of saying “politically correct.”

August 15, 2015: If I had only one hour to live, I’d send Facebook friend requests to all the people on my “people you may know” section.

August 6, 2015: The President is doing a terrible job during lunchtime. Because that’s when millions of people are out of work.

August 5, 2015: There are 15 candidates vying for the GOP Presidential nomination, yet the Celebrity Apprentice websites are only focusing on Donald Trump.

August 4, 2015: Contrary to myth, dolphins are not technically "fish." They're HUMANS.

August 3, 2015: If I win the lottery, I will visit homeless shelters and give away all my lottery-winning tips. 

August 2, 2015: When my kids come home after school, I always make them a healthy snack. That's because dinner is candy. 

August 1, 2015: It’s proper etiquette to send out funeral invitations at least six weeks in advance.

July 29, 2015: As a reward for getting a B+ on his math test, I let my son drop out of school. 

July 18, 2015: What I do in the privacy of my own home is nobody’s business. (Ironically, I run an Internet spying business from my home.)

July 16, 2015: You know what you never hear? “I work at Microsoft and my job is to come up with new ideas.”   

July 15, 2015: I just got a great pair of shoes from Payless. They cost twenty dollars. But I handed the cashier fifteen bucks and ran off.

July 14, 2015: I told my daughters to wait for a boy who truly respects them before having anal sex.

July 13, 2015: I took my son to see Arsenio Hall’s career in order to teach him about death.

July 12, 2015: This could be the last time you ever use a calculator, so MAKE IT COUNT!

July 11, 2015: When I'm watching a play, it totally takes me out of the moment when the actors on stage are using their cell phones.

July 10, 2015: It's rude to keep your cell phone on during a theatrical performance. So when I'm in the audience, I use a landline.

July 9, 2015: The graduation ceremony went well, but I didn't realize I was supposed to wear my graduation gown OVER my clothes.

July 8, 2015: In high school, I was voted "Most Likely To Succeed" because I sucked a lot of seeds in the cafeteria.

July 7, 2015: I oppose infidelity unless it’s absolutely necessary.  

July 3, 2015: The only thing that help me get to sleep are bed bug bites.  

July 2, 2015: I only eat Doritos that are here legally. 

July 1, 2015: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the one where he saws a woman in half but the feet and hands are still moving. 

June 25, 2015: I'm helping my friend get over her fear of clowns by taking her to a haunted house.

June 24, 2015: Hey- I lost 83 pounds on the new “the doctor removed my giant tumor” diet. 

June 23, 2015: I’m okay with police brutality as long as they’re just doing it to each other.

June 22, 2015: I go to inner cities and speak to street gang members about the importance of recycling.     

June 21, 2105: I am adamantly opposed to prostitution because it’s way too expensive.

June 20, 2015: At the Displaying Hall of Fame, they have the actual glass case that other museums have used to display things.   

June 19, 2015: Don’t sweat the small stuff, and my medical condition that prevents me from sweating is the small stuff.

June 18. 2015: I’m willing to do nude scenes… but only if you block out my face.

June 17, 2015: When you constantly use four-letter words, you sound like an ignorant fuk.

June 16, 2015: I think we should change the national anthem because The Star Spangled Banner is too hard to smoke.

June 15, 2015: To help fight the spread of sickness, we should rub the flu vaccine on doorknobs. 

June 14, 2015: For 500 dollars in the category  IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION, this pronoun is used to describe a question. "What is what is what?" "Correct!"

June 13, 2015: If I’m ever buried alive, I want an open casket at my funeral.

June 12, 2015: My favorite parte of the day at Seaworld is feeding time at the killer whale tank because I like the taste of orca.

June 11, 2015: On this one controversial issue, me and my alternate universe anti-clone will just have to disagree to agree. 

June 10, 2015: They turned my autobiography into a movie. But due to time constraints, they had to edit out my character. 

June 9, 2015: I found a million-dollar Picasso painting at my neighbor’s garage sale! (It’s not a surprise, though, since my neighbor is Picasso.)

June 8, 2015: If you could eat any three people for dinner, living or dead, who would it be?

June 7, 2105: I truly believe the murder rate would go way down if people would just learn to catch bullets with their teeth.

June 6, 2015: Murphy's Sharia Law: Anything that CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong; plus, women aren't allowed to drive.

June 5, 2015: I’m going to start college when I’m in my 90s so I won’t have to worry about paying off my student loans. 

June 4, 2015: If you don’t have the guts to criticize me to my face, then do it behind my back.

June 3, 2015: I might be drunk, but you're ugly. And tomorrow I'll be sober- but you'll still be stupid.

June 2, 2015: Someday, the royal family will have to sit little baby Prince George down & explain to him that he'll never have to work a day in his life.

June 1, 2015: The most awkward part of any ‘first date’ I go on is trying to explain to the woman why I’m in a prison cell.

May 29, 2015: The best time to shoot someone is right after they die. That way you won’t be arrested for murder.

May 28, 2105: Whoever invented the wheel must have made a fortune.      

May 27, 2015: The best things in life are free. The worst things in life are 7 bucks. (That’s how much it costs to download Kesha’s new album.)

May 26, 2015: I only eat meat if the animals are slaughtered willingly.

May 25, 2015: I was in the hospital delivery room when my wife had our baby. But she opted for a home birth.

May 18, 2015: I hate fuzzy fruit. But I’ll fight for your right to eat it because I believe in the freedom of peach.

May 17, 2015: Deep down, I think that serial killer with the tiny little person living in his stomach controlling his every move is a good person. 

May 16, 2015: I was born with a lot of regrets. 

May 15, 2015: Women think ‘vulnerability’ is sexy, so when I meet women at parties, I always cry.

May 14, 2015: If I could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I’d prefer to do it living.

May 13, 2015: I try to take a lot of wind & solar naps because I support alternative forms of sluggishness.

May 12, 2015: If Osama bin Laden is really dead, then how come I’m still getting his Tweets?

May 11, 2015: My little baby niece is one-month-old today. She looks good for her age.

May 10, 2015: My wife is also my worst friend.

May 1, 2015:  Scuba or Platform. Forward, Backward, Twisting, Armstand, or Reverse. Straight, Pike, Tuck, or Free: ALL Dives Matter.

April 30, 2015: I have an amazing photographic memory. I can even still remember getting slapped by the doctor… though in fairness, that was last week.

April 29, 2015:  I can’t see my reflection in the mirror because I’m a blind vampire.

April 28, 2015: I let other people do my work because there’s no “I” in ‘me’.

April 27, 2015: ‘Twitter’ will be around for as long as people can write… which won’t be for much longer due to Twitter.

April 26, 2015: It’s dangerous to text while driving. That’s why when I text while driving, I always carry a gun.

April 25, 2015: To help conserve the environment, I’m switching from bottles to just buying my water with cupped hands.

April 24, 2015: Gamblers tell their children to always look one way before crossing the street.

April 23, 2015: I’m donating my body to science after I decompose.

April 22, 2015: Tomorrow is my first day of prison. Hope they don’t try to “haze the new guy.”

April 23, 2015: My eyesight’s going so now I use reading glasses to watch pornography.

April 7, 2015: My dream is to one day give up.

April 6, 2015: When my daughter gets invited to a party, I call ahead to make sure there will be parents there to keep out the unpopular kids.

April 5, 2015: My wife and I brought chicken on the plane so we could join the "mile fry" club.

April 4, 2015: I don't care if he IS having a heart attack; this ambulance illegally parked.

April 3, 2015: My prison escape plan relies heavily on the guards not paying attention.

April 2, 2015: I will not rest until I find the real killer... or until I feel that late-afternoon sluggishness.

April 1, 2015: I stopped my cannibalism. I'm not morally against eating people- but I'm opposed to the way they're raised.

March 26, 2015: I'm directing a play. I tell my actors, during dress rehearsal, to give it all they got... because life is not a dress rehearsal.

March 25, 2015: If a tree falls at my funeral, does it make a sound?

March 24, 2015: Washington "Redskins" is a terribly offensive name. Imagine how outraged people would be if a team was named the Washington Red BLACKS.

March 23, 2015: It's so sad that John Lennon and George Harrison are dead because now the Beatles can never reunite with Kanye West.   

March 22, 2015: I never back away from a fight against someone standing behind me.

March 21, 2015: What would you do if you knew you only had one day to live, but you were stuck inside a small cage? 

March 20, 2015: I'll consider giving the weaker kids their lunch money back, but I won't be bullied into it.

March 8, 2015: I went to Ancestry.com to find out what random strangers did for a living hundreds of years ago.

March 7, 2015: Prison probably isn’t that bad at night because you’re asleep.

March 6, 2015: I always ask for the punchline first- in case I don’t have time to hear the entire joke.

March 5, 2015: My ex-wife and I have agreed to give custody of the kids to someone else.

March 4, 2015: They say this old Indian burial ground is haunted because it was built on an old Indian burial ground.  

March 3, 2015: What is the proper “thank you” gift for someone who has favorited your tweet?       

March 2, 2015: I’ll consider giving the weaker kids their lunch money back, but I won’t be bullied into it.

March 1, 2015: I'm thinking of dying my head blonde

February 26, 2015: I've always relied on the kindness of psychopaths. 

February 25, 2015: I’ll consider giving the weaker kids their lunch money back, but I won’t be bullied into it.

February 24, 2015: I'm thinking of dying my head blonde

February 23, 2015: Prison probably isn’t that bad at night because you’re asleep.

February 22, 2015: I wish I could afford things that I don’t need.

February 21, 2015: I always ask for the punchline first- in case I don’t have time to hear the entire joke.

February 20, 2015: My ex-wife and I have agreed to give custody of the kids to someone else.

February 19, 2105: They say this old Indian burial ground is haunted because it was built on an old Indian burial ground.  

February 18, 2105: What is the proper “thank you” gift for someone who has favorited your tweet?                 

February 17, 2015: I dreamt that I died. But when I woke up, I was still dead.

February 16, 2015: My fiancé and I are getting married during the end-of-the-world Armageddon. Save the date!

February 15, 2015: I gave it all up to pursue my dream of being poor.

February 14, 2015: Legalizing drugs would send a terrible message to children I’ve mugged for drug money.

February 13, 2015: I was standing at the urinal with a friend, having a conversation. It wasn’t awkward, though, because we weren’t going to the bathroom.

February 12, 2015: I believe in being totally honest in situations where it benefits me.

February 11, 2015: My girlfriend and I have a kinky open relationship. We’ve agreed to whip other people.

February 10, 2015: Studies show most on-line bullies suffer a lot of on-line abuse at home.

February 9, 2105: Our family crest is striking and impressive, but the tube is almost empty.

February 8, 2015: In heaven, do you think the bathrooms are really nice- or is it that you just never have to go to the bathroom?

February 7, 2105: My friend is a functioning alcoholic. He only gets drunk at functions.  

February 6, 2015: My son asked if there were monsters under his bed. I responded, "Maybe YOU are the monster."

February 5, 2015: "I don't see 'race'." - blind Ku Klux Klan member

February 4, 2015: It is the schools’ responsibility to keep our desks safe.

February 3, 2015: If you accidentally spill a little seltzer on your shirt, what’s the best way to get it out?

February 2, 2015: I never congratulate a woman on her pregnancy unless I’m absolutely sure she has a big belly. 

February 1, 2015: I was a terrible male prostitute due to my low sex drive.

January 16, 2015: Osama bin Laden will never get to experience the joy of being a grandparent. That’s karma, bitch!

January 15, 2015: My company guarantees that we’ll give you a fair price for your cash or your money back!

January 14, 2015: I’ve been driving around with this prostitute for hours looking for a spot because I refuse to pay for parking.

January 13, 2015: I’m self-conscious about being naked. So when I shower, I use a body double.   

January 12, 2015: Never let people stop you from reaching your dreams- unless those people happen to be *in* your dreams, in which case it’s too late.

January 11, 2015: I would be okay with having the last name “Genital” unless I was a general.

January 10, 2015: We set up our campsite here in this nice air-conditioned hotel room.

January 9, 2015: I told my teenage son that if he’s going to have sex, he should do it in the safety of our own crack house.

January 8, 2015: I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. (That’s the last time we use glue during sex.)

January 7, 2015: I would only call 9-1-1 after I exhausted all other means of trying to open this pickle jar. 

January 6, 2015: Hey! I lost 19 pounds on the “If You Lose More Than 20 Pounds We Will Murder Your Family” diet!

January 5, 2015: My wife and I are so embarrassed! This morning, our kids walked in us having a fight about why we never have sex.

January 4, 2015: I was acquitted on all charges except “threatening the jury”.

January 3, 2015: She’s beautiful and she never turns around. She would make a perfect oneway model.  

January 2, 2015: I don’t think snakes should have the right to bear arms.

December 8, 2014: Let’s all give a big round of applause to unnecessary clapping.

December 7, 2014: I won’t be able to attend your wedding because I’ve been invited to play Candy Crush on the same day.

December 6, 2014: I would like to see a reality show about what the Kardashians do when the cameras are *off*.

December 5, 2014: My wife and I are into threesomes because we both prefer to be on top.

December 4, 2014: The worst part about going to court for jaywalking was having to face the victims’ families. 

December 3, 2014: Yes, it’s a very sexy steak. But stop looking at it like it’s a piece of meat. 

December 2, 2014: I wrote a screenplay about thieves who come up with a clever way to rob a bank. But rather than sell my script, I decided to just rob a bank. 

December 1, 2014: I’m very organized. Hence, I finished up all my Christmas shopping in 2008.

November 14, 2014: Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

November 13, 2014: Never give up on the dreams your parents have for you.

November 12, 2014: If they make Gone Girl into a book, who do you think should play the lead characters?

November 11, 2014: My ex-wife and I are sharing custardy with our Boston cream doughnut filling

November 10, 2014: I never apologize because it’s better to be safe than sorry.

November 9, 2014: The Devil’s greatest feat is tricking people into thinking he doesn’t exist. His second-greatest feat is making Russell Brand famous.

November 8, 2014: My wife and I wrote our wedding vows on Snapchat

November 7, 2014: “Sometimes I think women only like me because I’m money.” – Donald Trump’s Money

November 6, 2014: When I’m not doing yoga, I mostly just sit around

November 5, 2014: My fiancée is still a virgin because she’s saving herself for the bachelorette party.

November 4, 2014: I can always count on my friends. (They have abacus tattoos.)

November 3, 2014: I just got run over by an ambulance! Quick! Someone call an… no, nevermind.

November 2, 2014: If I could ask God one question, it would be, “How can I save up to 15% on car insurance?”

November 1, 2014: I’m an organ donor, but only if it goes to someone famous.

October 23, 2014: They should make a beer that freshens your breath- for those mornings you have to go to work.

October 22, 2014: My gut is telling me I should see a doctor about my talking gut.

October 21, 2014: I slept with an employee and never called her back. But it’s okay because it was on ‘casual sex Friday’.

October 20, 2014: My family moved to Idaho when I was a child and it was awful… but mostly because they didn’t take me with them.

October 18, 2014: Never let your Facebook friends not “liking” your ‘motivational sayings’ posts from reaching your dreams.

October 17, 2014: I got a tattoo of the word “death” on my arm. Hopefully, it’s not permanent.

October 16, 2014: I’ve been truly blessed with so much good luck.

October 15, 2014: Don’t let other people stand in the way of your dream of being a hermit.

October 10, 2014: As a responsible drug dealer, I always “tag” my hash. But how can I spread the word that I’m doing this?

October 9, 2014: “Surely, Temple University is not where you’re going to college.” “It is- and don’t call me Shirley Temple.”

October 8, 2014: My best friend’s wedding is during breakfast, so I’ve been asked to make the toast.

October 7, 2014: I re-tweet all the death threats I receive.

October 6, 2014: Are you supposed to tip a prostitute?

October 5, 2015: It must have been so cool to be Michael Jackson’s doctor.

October 4, 2014: I’m a wimpy drinker. The last thing I remember Saturday night, before blacking out, was finishing up my second beer.

October 3, 2014: I don’t have a lot of friends so when I get married, I’m just gonna look for a “best man” on Craigslist.

October 2, 2014: I eat fast food every single day because I believe in living life to the fattest.

October 1, 2014: We need to stop illegal emigration because my maid keeps trying to escape.

September 6, 2014: I’m conflicted about this wedding because while I support gay marriage, I think Brett might be cheating on Brian.

September 5, 2014: I try to learn at least one new thing everyday. Today I learned it’s too much of a hassle to try to learn one new thing a day. 

September 4, 2014: I’ll bet you a million dollars that I’m a millionaire. But you have to pay up first. 

September 3, 2014: When playing "Truth or Dare", I always pick "truth." Because dares can be embarrassing. But if you pick "truth", you can always lie.

September 1, 2014: Every Saturday night, my wife & I have “date night”. But that’s the only time during the week we’re apart.

August 14, 2014: “I’m not here to make friends” … is NOT what I should’ve said while I was pledging the fraternity.

August 13, 2014: Wearing an oxford shirt is unnatural. It’s Adam & Eve, not Adam & SLEEVE.

August 12, 2014: I listen to my kids’ music to make sure they’re not hearing any offensive melodies.

August 9, 2014: I put the sugar substitute for white people here and the sugar substitute for black people in a different spot. They’re separate but Equal. 

August 8, 2014: My theater group performed a play written by Prince Charles, but had to pay royalties.

August 7, 2014: My car runs on solar-powered gasoline.

August 6, 2014: I’m worried that if my son goes to school with a pink assault rifle, the other kids will make fun of him.

August 5, 2014: Be careful what you wish for. I wish I would be more careful.

August 4, 2014: The passenger sitting next to me had a dream last night that our plane didn’t crash. So I’m not worried that we just lost a wing.  

August 3, 2014: To believe in a higher power is against my religion.

August 2, 2014: I thought I was gonna murder that guy first. So I had to kill him in self-offense.

August 2, 2014: When I die, I hope I’m not reincarnated as someone on their death bed.

July 25, 2014: “Let’s take a chance and do something new and original!” – Hollywood executive about to get fired

July 25, 2014: The key is to picture everyone in their underwear, not just when you’re public speaking but all the time.

July 24, 2014: They say that “being dead” is the new “90”!

July 24, 2014: I cut off all my hair to support my friend who was diagnosed with cancer during his skinhead rally.

July 24, 2014: It’s a hot night but luckily my blanket is air-conditioned.

July 24, 2014: They say an elephant never forgets. That’s why elephant marriages rarely work out.

July 23, 2014: You know what you never hear? “I know A LOT of honest people who work in the music industry.”  

July 22, 2014: I’m not hitchhiking. I just like to give cars the thumbs up.

July 21, 2014: I hate trying to make conversation with birds of prey because it’s always so hawkward. 

July 20, 2014: My phone number is easy to remember because it’s also my Internet password. So give me a call sometime at 123-4567.

July 12, 2014: Last night I dreamt that I couldn’t get to sleep. I woke up tired.

July 11, 2014: Here’s another kids joke for adults. QUESTION: Why won’t a grizzly with a flashlight make you fat? ANSWER: It’s a light bear.

July 10, 2014: My lucky day! I found a 20-dollar bill on the sidewalk. It was just lying there next to the wallet I stole.  

July 9, 2014: I wish people would just leave me alone while I’m bothering them.

July 8, 2014: Gas prices in Colorado are so high.

July 7, 2014: I stay healthy by eating at least one fruit a day- or at least one thing that’s fruit *flavored*.  

July 6, 2014: Presidential historians rank Donald Trump as the worst President the nation would have ever had.

July 2, 2014: According to my job evaluation, I spend too much time goofing off and… ooh, I better get back to work- my boss just came back.  

July 1, 2014: I named my boy “Sue”. That way it will be more convenient if he ever gets a sex change.

June 30, 2014: I performed my stand-up act for a group of subatomic particles determined by their invariant mass. It was no laughing matter. 

June 29, 2014: When I was on the operating room table, I saw a white light and an angel who said, “Tell people about this on a talk show”.

June 28, 2014: We need to legalize marijuana, or at least make it easier to get.

June 27, 2014: My nudist colony lets you carry a concealed weapon. 

June 26, 2014: 8th Rule Of Fight Club: Clean up after yourself.

June 25, 2014: When people try to keep you from reaching your dreams, just flip it around and try to prevent them from reaching THEIR dreams.

June 24, 2014: I’m not very high up on the “liver transplant” list. Not too concerned, though, since I don’t need a new liver. 

June 23, 2014: I’ve spent my life in and out of prison- mostly because I escape a lot.

June 22, 2014: What’s interesting is that even if people are having a nightmare, they’d still rather sleep in than go to work.

June 20, 2014: I really only need to lose about five or ten pounds. Is there a reality show for that?

June 19, 2014: I hate you specifically because you’re YOU… but don’t take it personally.

June 18, 2014: Big Brother may be spying on you. But, when I was a kid, my big sister made me wear dresses. That was worse.

June 17, 2014: And on the 8th day, God created the dormant alien species that will eventually rise up from the ocean and kill us all.

June 16, 2014: I started my own religion, but I’m non-practicing.

June 15, 2014: I’m seeking Donald Trump’s advice on how to be born into money.

June 14, 2014: I always stand during the National Anthem because it’s impossible to dance while sitting.

June 13, 2014: I don’t think you’re supposed to interpret televangelist Pat Robertson literally.

June 12, 2014: I wrote a kids joke! QUESTION: How many monsters does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: Look under your bed tonight to find out.

June 11, 2014: It should be illegal to spank your children unless it’s in self-defense. 

June 10, 2014: When I play basketball against Al-Qaeda, I never spot them any points because that’s letting the terrorists win. 

June 6, 2014: I’m listening to a mash-up of Nicki Minaj and Me Screaming For It To Stop.

June 5, 2014: Laughter *was* the best medicine. But now there’s Prozac.

June 4, 2014: A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. That’s why I judge humanity by Kanye West.

June 3, 2014: I have an American flag cooking in the oven, but there should be a Constitutional amendment against burning it.

June 2, 2014: I wanna be a rock star until I reach the age of 28 or I die, whichever comes first.

June 1, 2014: My fiancé finally got a chance to meet my friends with benefits.

May 27, 2014: I ask that the media respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time of us being on a reality show.

May 26, 2014: I’m concerned that my son will grow up to be a serial killer because he’s only 11-years-old and he has already started killing people.

May 25, 2014: I’m writing 4-hour play about what it feels like to sit in the audience. I hope audiences like it. 

May 21, 2014: “Let’s not kid ourselves” is what I said right before we turned on the humans-morphing-into-baby-goats machine.

May 20, 2014: At weddings, they usually sit me at the enemies table.

May 19, 2014:  I hate when teachers stifle creativity. Hence, I tell my students that 2+2= anything they want it to be.

May 18, 2014: The world may never know if OJ Simpson really feels bad about murdering those people.

May 17, 2014: If you are a black cat, is it bad luck to walk in front of a superstitious imbecile?

May 16, 2014: Every time a matador is brutally gored, an angel gets its wings.

May 15, 2014:  If Lindsay Lohan and the Hulk had a baby together, the baby would constantly be getting smashed.

May 14, 2014:  I would never let the government take away my gum.

May 13, 2014:  I allow my children to bully other kids at school as long as they keep their grades up.

May 12, 2014:  I found out my wife was cheating on me through Facebook! (Because she changed her relationship status to “cheating”.)

May 11, 2014: When I was a young boy, I wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut because they get all the best pussy. 

May 10, 2014: My loyal friend is an obsessive gun owner, which is why I know he’ll never stab me in the back.

May 6, 2014: It’s better to give than to receive… especially ‘death threats’.

May 5, 2014: I got out of a speeding ticket by bribing the police officer with my time machine.

May 4, 2014: When you go in for a job interview, it’s important to ask what kind of “quitting benefits” they offer.

May 3, 2014: I don’t let my kids use their cell phones at the dinner table… unfortunately, I can’t enforce the rule since we eat separately.  

May 2, 2014: I'm reading a magazine on the plane. I hope the guy sitting next to me takes the hint and starts up a conversation.

May 1, 2014: According to the home pregnancy kit, my wife is having a baby. But just to make sure, we made an appointment with the Maury Povich show.

Mothers Day, 2014: Today we're *all* mothers.

April 26, 2014: My wife and I won’t let our son play football because he’s so bad at it.

April 25, 2014: The food on the plane was terrible! (I brought Taco Bell in my carry-on.)

April 24, 2014: My child’s teacher is sick. So I’m having a parent/teacher conference with the sub. 

April 23, 2014: I’m not homeless. Every night I just need a place to crash.

April 18, 2014: You know what you never hear? “My life is so happy and fulfilled. Hey- let’s go to a nightclub.” 

April 17, 2014: If dogs could speak English, they’d probably say “bark” and “woof” a lot.

April 16, 2014: If I had a time machine, I’d travel 2 seconds into the future to see how this tweet turns out.

April 15, 2014; I know a guy making a living teaching people how to carry a purse & hammer nails. But what kind of idiot would hire a purse & nail trainer?

April 10, 2014: Friends are just lovers you’re not attracted to.

April 9, 2014: Kids today have it easy. When I was young, I had to walk three miles in the snow to get my porn.

April 8, 2014: I have the Constitutional right to do whatever I want.

April 7, 2014: Open the safe and give me the money! This is a stick-up! Oh- and I’d also like to deposit this check.

April 6, 2014: I went to a psychic who told me that my house would burn down. I was amazed because there’s no way she could’ve known I was an arsonist.

April 5, 2014: I tattooed your name on our relationship, but I don’t think it’s permanent.

April 4, 2014: My friend’s birthday is on 9-11. Every year I wish him a very somber birthday.

April 3, 2014: I’m filming a documentary about why I’m so unsuccessful. Hopefully, this will be my big break.

April 2, 2014: I went to a gay dating site. I’m not gay, but I figure everyone always lies on those things, anyway.

March 24, 2014: My magic act requires that the audience closes their eyes a lot.

March 22, 2014: Hey, if life was easy, they’d call it a slut.

March 21, 2014: My position on “intelligent design” is still evolving.

March 20, 2014: True love is never having to feel you’re sorry.

March 19, 2014: I’ve set the bar low… due to the number of shorter drinkers here tonight.

March 18, 2014: My wedding day was the happiest day of my life because that’s the day I won 40 bucks on a scratch-off ticket.

March 16, 2014: I have my privacy settings up so that only friends and friends of friends can receive my unsolicited dick pics.

March 15, 2014: I received my doctorate in “avoiding the real world by staying in school well past the appropriate age.”

March 14, 2014: Never stop believing in yourself unless you’re absolutely sure that you’re a loser.

March 12, 2014: I suffer from a fear of not being afraid of anything

March 11, 2014: I keep all my ex-girlfriends on speed dial because it’s hard to remember phone numbers when you’re drunk at 3 in the morning.

March 10, 2014: I’m making a pornographic sex movie. But I had to trim the violence in order to keep the PG-13 rating. 

March 9, 2014: I don’t care what people think about me. I only care what they SAY about me.

March 8, 2014: I hope my life has a surprise twist ending.

March 7, 2014: I never show up to work drunk. However, I sometimes *leave* work that way.

March 6, 2014: If, instead of a prison, the punishment was “an all expense paid trip to Europe for a week”, that would still deter me from committing crime

March 5, 2014: Before Twitter, we used to have to send our tweets through the mail.

March 4, 2014: Don’t make gasoline jokes because I’m dieselly offended.

March 3, 2014: Why does everything have to be so instant? Take some time to reflect. I'm going to join Eventuagram.

March 2, 2014: I'm not a big "birthday" person. That's why I never celebrate my birthday more than 20 or 30 times a year.

March 1, 2014: I would only consider running for President if my sit-com pilot doesn’t get picked up.

February 23, 2014: At dinner, everyone has to turn off their cell phones so we can have a nice family discussion about what to watch on TV during dinner.

February 22, 2014: My grandmother died in her sleep. (I waited until nighttime to shoot her.)

February 21, 2014: I would never try crystal meth unless it was literally right in front of me.

February 20, 2014: When drug companies want to test out a new placebo, what do they give the control group?

February 15, 2014: I FINALLY finished Leo Tolstoy’s “War & Peace”. Geez, that was a really long movie.

February 11, 2014: Are you in the Middle Class? Here’s how to calculate your wealth; (Your Income + Your Assets minus Your Debt) x Zero = Your Wealth 

February 9, 2014: statistic: “Leggo my Eggo!” triggers approximately 10 murders per year.

February 7, 2014: They say when you have sex with someone, you’re never more than six degrees from Kevin Bacon.

February 6, 2014: I don’t understand why people would want to alter their mind by using drugs… is one of the many thoughts I have while high.

February 5, 2014: I don’t have an accent, but it’s very thick.

February 4, 2014: My kid got beat up by your honor student. (My kid is dumb AND a pussy.)

February 3, 2014: My son is allergic to peanuts. So during family meals, he has to leave. 

February 2, 2014: I hope I never become famous because I hate my fans.

February 1, 2014: Enjoy this tweet, but take some time to think about the millions of children in poverty who don’t have access to it.

January 12, 2014: You know what you never hear? “You’re never too old to wear a Speedo.”

January 11, 2014: I have several emails in my inbox from friends asking me to help them move. Or as I call it: “my spam folder”.

January 10, 2014: Only God should be able to take a human life, which He does millions of times a day.

January 7, 2014: I like to go to the zoo and watch the people at the concession stand.

January 6, 2014: There’s never an inappropriate time to smoke crack because it’s always 3 in the morning SOMEWHERE in the world.

January 5, 2014: There are literally billions and billions of people on the planet who will never love you. 

January 4, 2014: Not counting ‘Norbit’, name the best movie you’ve ever seen. 

January 3, 2014: My mom keeps nagging me to find a nice girl & fall in love. She doesn't care about my happiness; she’s just tired of being a teapot.

January 2, 2014: We don’t want the kids eating junk food. That’s why my wife and I keep all the snacks in our bedroom.

January 1, 2014: My New Year's resolution is to drink beer and kick ass. And we're almost out of beer.

December 24, 2013: For just a few dollars a day, you can help a starving African child buy lottery tickets.

December 23, 2013: If the plural of “person” is “people”, then shouldn’t the plural of “purse” be “peep”?

December 22, 2013: I’m starting to think that Prince Charles will NEVER become king of beers.

December 21, 2013: My girlfriend and I have agreed to see and get engaged to other people.

December 20, 2013: I tried “speed dating” and it actually went pretty well. I picked up my date, took her to dinner, & had sex all in under 15 minutes.

December 19, 2013: “Maybe we SHOULD let the witch have the ruby slippers since they ARE her property.”- the only munchkin with a conscience  

December 18, 2013: Why can’t all of our different Gods just co-exist peacefully?

December 17, 2013: My friends always have my back… as long as my back has money they can borrow.

December 16, 2013: I constantly warn my kids about the dangers of smoking pot without a prescription.

December 15, 2014: I think it would be a much better world if everyone stopped having children.

December 14, 2013: I only send Facebook friend requests to people I may know.

December 13, 2013: I don’t believe in “flags.” My allegiance is to the Pledge.

December 12, 2013: My VCR is state-of-the-art.

December 9, 2013: My lucky day! I found 30 million dollar Picasso painting at a garage sale for just 12 million.

December 8, 2013: I don’t let my kids watch TV because of all the sex & violence I’m having next to it.

December 7, 2013: I wish we lived in a world where EVERYONE could afford a live-in maid.

December 6, 2013: We were trapped in a house fire, but it wasn’t uncomfortable because it was a dry heat.

December 5, 2013: If dog is supposed to be man’s best friend, how come he still hasn’t accepted my friend request?

December 4, 2013: Condoms: they’re not just for sex.

December 3, 2013: Thank you for coming to my garage sale. And here’s a garbage bag to carry your purchases.

December 2, 2013: It’s sad that more American children can name ‘Ronald McDonald’ than can name the President of McDonaldland.

December 1, 2013: My wife and I hate each other, but we’re staying together for the sake of the children we might eventually have.

Thanksgiving, 2013: Happy Thanksgiving! You know what that means, don't you? Christmas shopping officially began 2 and 1/2 weeks ago.

November 17, 2013: I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. And yet I can still remember the popular kids from high school.

November 16, 2013: I’m feeling great because my mortician gave me a clean bill of health today.

November 15, 2013: If Michael Jackson didn’t die, I believe he’d still be alive today.

November 14, 2013: There are so many incompetent college students. But they’re protected by the Student Union. 

November 13, 2013: I ate an entire plate of pot brownies and got a real sugar high.

November 12, 2013: Here’s a kids joke for adults: What happened when the elephant drank beer? He got trunk.

November 11, 2013: I’m very close to my kids, and they know that they can always email me about ANYTHING. 

November 10, 2013: To celebrate my 1000th Tweet, I'm going to shut off my computer and do something productive.

November 9 2013: I truly hope it works out between whichever Kardashian and the next professional athlete she marries.

November 8, 2013: The only thing we have to fear about clowns is fear of clowns itself.

November 7, 2013: I go to the bathroom outside because I'm more of a "dog" person.

November 6, 2013: I would only quit my job if I'm absolutely certain I'm going to win the lottery.

November 5, 2013: I'm looking for an oldies rap station.

November 4, 2013: Going to a psychic tomorrow. But I think he might be a scam artist because he just started following me on Twitter.

November 3, 2013: My patient only has two days to live. I told him, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

November 2, 2013: You know what they say about meth-coated potato chips; Bet You Can't Eat Just One.

November 1, 2013: Hey, even a clock is right three times a day. (I own a f**ked up clock.)

October 29, 2013: The woman ahead of me in the supermarket aisle took forever because she paid by barter.

October 28, 2013: I only read articles about naked women for the articles.  

October 27, 2013: My wife and I already have three boys. So now that she’s pregnant again, we’re really hoping for a girl to replace our third son.

October 26, 2013: Take the name of your 1st pet & put it in front of your 1st street. that's your "porn name". My 1st pet was named Todd & I live on Palin Ave.

October 25, 2013: It's never too late to be late.

October 25, 2013: I like that Florida is wider on top than at the bottom because it makes it easier to get out.

October 24, 2013: My favorite part about living in the Sado-Masochist Spiked-Leather Fetish House is Saturday evenings. Because it’s game night! 

October 23, 2013: “I’m thinking of writing a tweet.” (This is the prequel to my previous tweet.)

October 22, 2013: I spend all my free time thinking about how busy I am, and that is what keeps me busy. It’s a vicious cycle.

October 21, 2013: I got a great deal on life insurance because the insurance company was having a going-out-of-business sale.

October 20, 2013: If Thomas Edison was alive today, I bet he’d invent a machine to destroy Twitter. 

October 19, 2013: If I had to move to Europe and could only bring five things with me? I’d bring cyanide and… well, that’s about it.

October 18, 2013: Before Einstein theorized that “E=Mc2”, what did scientists think E equaled?

October 17, 2013: Instead of “in bed”, we play the game where you finish every sentence with “when tweeting”.

October 16, 2013: I wish they'd show more family programming in the middle of the night so my kids would have something to watch while I’m out drinking

October 15, 2013: The policeman who stopped me for stopping was a really cool guy. He let me off without a warning.

October 14, 2013: You know what nobody ever asks for on their death bed? Diet soda.

October 13, 2013: The 4 words no college student wants to hear from a professor: “Split up into groups.”

October 12, 2013: Throughout history, nothing has caused more death than religion, although movie popcorn comes a close second.

October 11, 2013: Each morning I take a pill that helps me remember to take my other pills.

October 10, 2013: The Best Man at my wedding is also my sex addiction sponsor.

October 9, 2013: My kids make fun of me because I still use an old landline phone to call my coke dealer.

October 8, 2013: I’m being sent to the electric chair tomorrow, but I’m optimistic because there is always a chance it won’t work.

October 7, 2013: My goal is to write for CSI because I have so many great ideas about twisted ways to murder people.

October 6, 2013: My favorite part of cuddling is the ‘beforehand sex’.

October 5, 2013: It’s wonderful when people adopt shelter dogs. But I’d prefer to have my own biological pets.

October 4, 2013: 2005 just called. It wants its “’something’ just called: it wants its ‘thing that we associate with that specific something’” back.

October 3, 2013: Well I learned my lesson; I promise that’s the last time I jump on a trampoline with a loaded gun.

October 2, 2013: I always carry a magazine with me just in case I get buried alive.

October 1, 2013: I don’t get mad, I get EVEN… is what I say when you post Facebook pictures of your children. 

September 28, 2013: But is LeBron James TRULY happy?

September 27, 2013: We were driving on the highway and my girlfriend gave me a blowjob. In retrospect, she probably shouldn’t have been the one at the wheel.

September 26, 2013: I saw a 13-year-old clown, but I think that’s too young to be wearing make-up.

September 25, 2013: Someone get the license plate of that guy who just stole my car!

September 16, 2013: Luckily, my Sex Addiction Counselor is really hot… just in case the counseling doesn’t work.

September 15, 2013: Big news! I was promoted to “head writer” of my Twitter account.

September 14 2013: I oversee a sweatshop of children age 8 to 12. It’s not easy balancing work with kids. 

September 13, 2013: Is there such thing as a dumb question?

September 13, 2013: I watch the nightly news to catch up with what's going on in prescription drug commercials.

September 12, 2013: If you delete a tweet, where the hell does it go?!

September 12, 2013: Statistically speaking, flying in an airplane is actually much safer than flying in a car.

September 10, 2013: I will only join cults that accept me as their lord & savior.

September 10, 2013: Human nature is to desire what we can’t have. That’s why the hottest woman in every strip club is the waitress.

September 9, 2013: Someone stole my identity. I feel bad for whoever it was because now they're in a lot of debt.

September 8, 2013: My limo gets good gas mileage and my servants recycle… because I want to protect the environment *and* the status quo.

September 7, 2103: My wife & I are so close that we keep the door open when we go the bathroom on each other.

September 6, 2013: A friend is someone who is always there when they need you.

September 5, 2013: My doctor told me that I’m going to die at some point.

September 4, 2013: Don’t criticize your kids for listening to Justin Bieber. Remember when *we* were their age, we were listening to One Direction.

September 3, 2013: I was on Match.com but she was on eHarmony. That's how we knew we weren't soul mates.

September 2, 2013" You know what you never hear at a restaurant? "Waitress, I'll have the yogurt."

September 1, 2013: The MUSEUM museum has a wonderful new wonderful new exhibit at the Smithsonian Museum exhibit.

August 31, 2013: Tomorrow is Labor Day. Congratulations to all the women about to give birth.

August 15: 2013: **Spoiler Alert Warning** This tweet dies at the end. 

August 14, 2013: I’m too impatient to listen to an entire monologue. But I’d be willing to go see “The Vagina Quips”.

August 13: 2013: My Facebook profile picture was taken ten years from now, so I look a lot younger in person

August 12, 2013: Does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?! I just swallowed a lot of carbs!

August 12, 2013: “I love U, but I need my space.”-  Q’s breakup speech

August 11, 2013: If God made man in His image, then God must be putting on some pounds.

August 10, 2013: Just a reminder to have your children spayed or neutered.

August 9, 2013: My friend has had sex with lots of teams of women because he has always been a real team playa.

August 8, 2013: My daughter’s boyfriend is very traditional and he asked for my blessing before proposing to me.  

August 7, 2013: If I lost the ability to lie, I’d finish most of my sentences with “… or not.”

August 6, 2013: I named my son "Rosebud", but I won't tell him what it means until the very end of his life.

August 5, 2013: I’m very open about my sex addiction. I’ve told my wife AND my prostitutes.

August 4, 2013: One time I went without food for two weeks. But I survived on McRib sandwiches from McDonalds.

August 3, 2013: My limbs are just getting too sore, and so I had to close my Twister account.

August 2, 2013: I consider myself to be a very eligible for parole bachelor.

August 2, 2013: When I went away to college, my mom threw out all my baseball cards, comic books, & hundred dollar bills. But now they're worth a fortune!

August 1, 2013: I’m having plastic surgery on my brain. I want to *think* more attractive.

August 1, 2013: I don’t like people knowing my personal, private business. #mypersonalprivatebusiness

August 1, 2013: KFC’s Pledge To You: Every chicken we serve was more or less alive at some point in time.

August 1, 2013: I think clowns are really scary, especially when they’re trying to kill you.

August 1, 2013: I love my job so much I would do it for free, unless I won the lottery- then I’d quit.

August 1, 2013: The SAT test must’ve had herpes because I got a perfect sore.

August 1, 2013: Being bisexual is not a “choice”. People are BORN pretending they’re not 100% gay.  

August 1, 2013: If graffiti is art, then bank robbery is “theater”.

August 1, 2013: Twitter is a great way to record what you were thinking during moments when you have nothing to do.

August 1, 2013: I don’t like nude scenes unless it’s absolutely crucial to the plot. But since I only watch porn films, it usually is.

August 1, 2013: We need to keep kids off drugs unless they have a prescription.

August 1, 2013: I lost my virginity in an inner-city crack house. Luckily, though, I still haven’t lost my innocence.

August 1, 2013: My bread refuses to have its picture taken. It’s a terrible roll model.

August 1, 2013: The doctor weighed me. I guess they learn how to do that in medical school.

August 1, 2013: My wife and I can’t decide what to name our new baby so we’re giving him up for adoption.

July 30, 2013: I can’t start my day without a cup of coffee… or at least something to wash down my OxyContin.

July 30, 2013: I ran a mile in under 4 minutes. I mean, if you don’t count the times I stopped to rest.

July 30, 2013: In order to boost the economy, they should print up more gold.

July 30, 2013: You’re the top floor of the house and you’re on crack. It’s time to admit that you’re a drug attic.

July 30. 2013: When wealthy children go to the beach, do they make sand slums?

July 29, 2013: I want to go see the Lone Ranger because I'm a huge fan of Johnny Depp being annoying.

July 29, 2013: I wonder what summer vacation is like in prison?

July 29, 2013: Don’t know why they call it RESTroom. When I go to the bathroom- it’s WORK. 

July 29, 2013: There’s no ‘I’ in “can’t stand my teammates”.   

July 29, 2013: I went to an existential strip club, where I spent a fortune on lap dances. But what does it all mean?

July 29, 2013: If you can’t fit your political opinion on a bumper sticker, then keep it to yourself.

July 29, 2013: I won't let my daughters twerk until they're sixteen.

July 28, 2013: What came first- the chicken or the other side?

July 28, 2013: Don’t you hate it when you’re having a really great day, and all-the-sudden out-of-the-blue you feel like murdering a Pigmy?

July 28, 2013: Can you get fired for looking at porn on your computer if you work for an internet porn site?  

July 27, 2013: I hate everything about Twitter. That’s why I’m part of it.

July 27, 2013: I only watch movies in 1-D because I find width distracting

July 27, 2013: I hope my new wife gets a chance to meet my current wife.

July 26, 2013: I DVR the entire season of “Biggest Loser” and then watch the episodes in reverse because I like to watch people gain mass amounts of weight.

July 26, 2013: On Facebook, I have my privacy settings at “everyone has to see my personal information even if they don’t want to”.

July 26, 2013: I’m taking my son to a baseball game because he’s still too young to understand that it’s boring.

July 25, 2013: I’m joining the Church of Scientology because it seems like the best way to get my screenplay to Tom Cruise.

July 25, 2013: I’m thinking of having plastic surgery in order to look more like Joan Rivers.

July 25, 2013: There’s absolutely nothing funny about heart disease during one of Jay Leno’s monologues. 

July 24, 2013: I retired from my job as a political lobbyist, but I still want to remain unproductive.

July 24, 2013: Can God hear ALL our prayers, or just the ones directed to HIM?

July 24, 2013: I don't want to be rude, so I greet all women with "When is the baby due?"... just in case they're pregnant.

July 23, 2013: When we’re young, we’re obsessed with our physical flaws. But with age & wisdom, we’re able to get used to them.

July 23, 2013: As a society, we need to finally have an honest discussion about what Mariah Carey’s race is.

July 23, 2013: Doctors told my wife she only has 3 months to live. But luckily, that gives us enough time to get divorced.

THE ROYAL BABY IS BORN! July 22, 2013

BBC UPDATE: Prince Charles emotionally unable to hug new grandson.

WHITE HOUSE RELEASES STATEMENT President & Mrs. Obama congratulate the royal couple & Jessica Simpson on birth of their new babies.

BBC UPDATE: England already calling him "the people's baby".

THE ROYAL PALACE RELEASES STATEMENT: "The Queen is horrified to learn a human being literally came out from Kate Middleton's lower region."

LATEST POLL: The new royal baby's approval rating is at 91%!!

July 10, 2013: I bought a gun to protect myself from myself because I’m a violent psychopath.

July 10, 2013: You know you’ve truly made it when you live in a house with lots of extra rooms that you don’t need or use.

July 9, 2013: I wish I could be Superman for a day so I could feel what it would be like to work at a newspaper.

July 9, 2013: things nobody ever said on their death bed: “I regret not following Mark Wahlberg on Twitter.”

July 8, 2013: We’re gonna stay friends for the rest of our lives. (note to self: Murder my friend.)

July 8, 2013: I dance on where my enemies’ graves will be, just in case I die first.

July 7, 2013: I was curious about my lineage so I went to "Ancestry.com." It turns out I’m the first person in my family.

July 7, 2013: Sunday is like the “Monday” of the weekend.   

July 5, 2013: What is the Constitutionality of yelling “Fire!” in an EMPTY theater?

July 4, 2013: I think inmates on death row should be released from prison, since they only have a short time left to live.

July 3, 2013: Everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when they read this Tweet.

July 2, 2013: I walked under a ladder on my way to the doctor. When I got there, he told me the bad news; I only have 7 more years to live.

July 2, 2013: I’m stopping at eXXXon for gas and porn.

July 1, 2013: It’s so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk, though I wouldn’t recommend eating it.

July 1, 2013: I’m down to 14 followers on my landline account.

June 29, 2013: At New York Yankees Fantasy Camp, I got to play baseball with all my old favorite players and have sex with a young Heather Locklear.

June 29, 2013: more things you’ll never hear: “… and the Oscar goes to Ashton Kutcher!”

June 28, 2013: The best things in life are free if you’re willing to steal.

June 28, 2013: My marital vows are very important to me and my mistress.

June 27, 2013: You know what you never hear? “I want to use all the money I made from porn for good.”

June 27, 2013: Someone please call 911!! @BeingRobbedAtGunpointRightNowAtThisMoment

June 26, 2013: I feel like a man trapped in a transgendered woman’s body.

June 26, 2013: I agree to pay my son’s college tuition. In exchange, he has to promise me that he’s having a good time

June 25, 2013: By mathematical logic, anytime someone makes a new best friend, that means someone else just lost their best friend.

June 24, 2013: Friends are forever… although “forever” ends around the time they steal your stuff.  

June 23, 2013: If I had to get a face tattoo, it would be a picture of the back of my head.  

June 22, 2013: The way I warn my kids against texting while they drive is to remind them if they die in a car crash, they won’t be able to text.

June 21, 2013: “stripper” tops list of toughest jobs in American, according to the latest poles   

June 20, 2013: One of the things on my Bucket List was “crossing something off my Bucket List”. But that was stupid so I crossed it off my Bucket List.  

June 19, 2013: I’m happy we legalized same-sex marriage because now the Smurfs can marry someone other than Smurfette.

June 18, 2013: My wife just caught me masturbating. Needless to say, this is going to be an awkward wedding night.

June 17, 2013: If Gandhi were alive today, he’d make a fortune.

June 16, 2013: Would you rather have world peace or be slightly more attractive? Me, too.

June 15, 2013: I would never steal someone else’s tweet unless I absolutely can’t think of one on my own.

June 14, 2013: Judge rules guy who went underground to steal all that coal should be tried as a miner.

June 13, 2013: I read about parents who were arrested for letting their son get too obese. So to be on the safe side I don’t let my kids eat.

Father's Day, 2013: All my Facebook friends posted such nice comments today about their fathers. I’m surprised because all my FB friends are strippers. 

June 12, 2013: Instead of secretly spying on my Facebook activity, the government should've just sent me a friend request.

June 11, 2013: Only God could give us the ability to question whether or not God could make a rock too heavy for Him to lift.

June 11, 2013: I’ve been hit in the head more times than I can remember.  

June 10, 2013: I don’t have any children- at least that I CARE about.

June 10, 2013: I just found out God was in a serious accident. I would pray for his recovery, but what’s the point?

June 10, 2013: High school graduation is a special time because it means you can finally sleep with your teachers.

June 4, 2013: I have a gun and I’m not afraid to use it. (I use it as a paperweight.) 

June 4, 2013: According to my Art-to-English dictionary, “subjective” means “stupid”. 

June 3, 2013: I punched him in the face and he didn’t even flinch. Damn, that’s one tough dead dude.

June 3, 2013: The worst part about being stuck here in prison is that I absolutely hate cable TV.

June 2, 2013: Let’s just agree to disagree about where we’re meeting tonight.

June 2, 2013: Think of a number between 1 and 2. There is a 50% chance I’m about to amaze you.

June 1, 2013: We’re at the top of the food chain. Arby’s is at the bottom.

June 1, 2013: You know what you never hear? “It’s the Grammy Awards- hosted by Sean Hannity.”

May 29, 2013: I called 1-800-Eat-Shit. The person who answered the phone wanted to know how your driving was.

May 28, 2013: I’m glad they cut our school’s budget because now we get to have class outside!

May 28, 2013: How many senior citizens does it take to change a light bulb? (Yeah, it’s an old joke.)

May 26, 2103: I hope ‘future me’ goes back in time and tells me that I invented a ‘time machine’. It would give me more incentive to get started.

May 26, 2013: If I win the lottery, I’m going to quit my job as a lottery player.

May 25, 2013: I took a paternity test and, yes, the baby is my father.

May 24, 2013: I can still fit into the tux I wore when I took my girlfriend to the prom. (Though, in fairness, that was last week.)

May 23, 2103: I just watched “The Life of Pi”. I thought it was never gonna end.

May 22, 2013: I want to buy a new Ferrari but the car dealership doesn’t take Discover.

May 21, 2013: I wanted a tattoo that really expresses who I am. So I got a tattoo of me getting a tattoo.

May 20, 2013: Do you realize Martin Luther King’s dream of a world where 'race' doesn’t matter has come true in strip clubs?

May 19, 2013: When I was young, I had to go to summer school because my parents couldn't afford camp.

May 18, 2013: Little League is great for kids because it teaches them how to field ground balls.

May 17, 2013: That pregnant woman is absolutely glowing. Hey- get the hell out of the nuclear reactor!!

May 17, 2013: Hey! I lost ten pounds beating the crap out of Jared, that annoying Subway guy.

May 16, 2013: You control your own destiny… unless your parents named you “Destiny”, in which case you’re probably gonna be a stripper.

May 15, 2013: Gas prices are so high! I can still remember a time when gas was free. (That was back when I used to steal it.)

May 14, 2013: I came here to drink beer, go out and get more beer, and kick ass. And we’re almost out of beer.

May 13, 2013: My friends have been w/me through the good times & the bad times… tho in fairness, they were the ones responsible for the bad times.

May 12, 2013: One day I hope to have children so I can tell them how I wasted my life.

May 11, 2013: I lost my virginity while skydiving because I wanted my first time to be special. 

May 10, 2013: They say that when you become rich & famous, you end up losing all your friends. But there are other reasons why I want to become rich & famous, too. 

May 3, 2013: I did NOT accuse you of stuffing our Scrabble set down my throat! Now you’re just putting words in my mouth.

May 2, 2013: How do you know if there are job openings at a store that makes “help wanted” signs?

May 1, 2013: So my idea is a social networking site that immediately & automatically creates a personalized grandmother. I'm calling it "Instagram".

April 23, 2013: I name my pets after my biggest fears. “Sit, Herpes, sit!”

April 22, 2013: I’m 200 lbs overweight. So I have to decide whether to lose it via surgery, or on a reality show.  

April 21, 2013: Clowns are basically mimes that won’t shut the hell up.

April 20, 2013: I’m very interested in what I have to say. That’s why I follow myself on Twitter.

April 14, 2013: “I’m just waiting for the right project to come along.” – (fill in name of unemployed sit-com star from the 1990s)

April 12, 2013: Women are attracted to men with a good sense of humor about their Porsche.

April 10, 2013: Growing up, my parents believed in “tough love” when it came 2 disciplining me. It was easy 4 them, tho, because they didn’t love me.

April 8, 2013: My way-too-personal trainer made me run 4 miles and then confessed that he and his wife no longer have sex.

April 4, 2013: The economy is rough. We’re losing all our “fireworks instructions” translator jobs to China.

April 3, 2013: When I die, I want to be buried in heaven.

April 2, 2013: It’s not that I don’t care what people think about me. It’s that I just pretend everyone likes me.

March 26, 2013: My poetry book hit #1 on the 'New York Times' Poetry Best-Seller List! I want to thank the 7 people who bought it.

March 25, 2013: It’s so expensive to take a family to the movies nowadays. That’s why I refuse to take families to the movies.

March 22, 2013: My parents threw me out of the house the day I graduated from high school. (Though, in fairness, I was 32.)

March 21, 2013: Every week, I spend a thousand dollars on “Win a $1000 a Week for Life” scratch-offs.

March 20, 2013: I’ve changed a lot since high school. For example, I can still fit into my prom dress.

March 7, 2013: You know what you never hear? “They’re having a Downton Abbey marathon over at the frat house.”

March 5, 2013: To spice up our sex lives, my wife and I agreed to swap partners.

March 4, 2013: Notice how neither the City Mouse nor the Country Mouse ever went to visit the Suburbs Mouse? Everyone hates the suburbs.

March 2, 2013: I issued a restraining order against my cellmate.

March 1, 2013: Facebook is *our* generation’s Christianity.

February 26, 2013: There’s literally nothing I despise more than hyperbole.

February 25, 2013: If everyone on the planet was old, then who would be left to take away our car keys?

February 22, 2013: If I die, I want to be buried. But if I survive, I want to be cremated.

February 21, 2013: If I ever meet Regis Philbin in person I’m going to say, “You look so much better in person.”

February 20, 2013: Worst part about being on trial for murder is that my best character witness can’t take the stand because I murdered him.

February 20, 2013: I don’t like that the atheists are trying to take “In God We Trust” off of the money that I use to buy cocaine.                     

February 14, 2013: I wonder what it would be like if everyone looked exactly the same? My guess? Lindsay Lohan would still look ten years older.

February 13, 2013: My fiancée has decided that when we get married, she doesn’t want to change her porn name.

January 21, 2013: This Tweet is the future site of a really small Starbucks.

January 20, 2013: On my Facebook status, I wrote that I was feeling suicidal. I got 42 “likes”.

January 16, 2013: “Death” is just God’s way of “unfriending” you from his Facebook page.

January 15, 2013: I wrote an email about how I hate everyone I know. And I accidentally hit “reply to all”.

January 14, 2013: I feel bad for infants because they’ve never had a real childhood.

January 13, 2013: When AC/DC recorded “Highway to Hell”, do you think they were singing about the Long Island Expressway?

January 12, 2013: We should give every old person a big mirror. Because it’s a time for reflection.

January 11, 2013: Almost all of my previous girlfriends have been Internet hoaxes.

January 10, 2013: Do you think these jeans I can no longer fit into make me look fat?

January 9, 2013: My doctor is always trying to get me to quit smoking during my prostate exam.

January 8, 2013: I’m secure enough with my metrosexuality that I’m not embarrassed to wear a football jersey.

January 7, 2013: Let’s settle this like men and agree to not ask for directions.

January 6, 2013: My dealer sold me acid laced with acid. Damn, this is like acid ON ACID!

January 5, 2013: I’m working on an autobiographical tweet. It mostly covers the period of my life spent writing this tweet.

January 4, 2013: I never apologize unless I’m absolutely sure I can get away with it.

January 3, 2013: If Elvis were alive today, I’d definitely buy his “Elvis Covers the Top Hits of the 80’s” CD.

January 2, 2013: In heaven, EVERYBODY is rich.

December 21, 2012: I don’t like when all my friends get together because then there’s nobody to talk about.

December 20, 2012: The Washington “Redskins” is such a degrading & offensive name. I mean- they’re not “Redskins”; they’re red PEOPLE.

December 8, 2012: How hard can it be to spell a word correctly? I mean, it’s not rocket sceince.

December 7, 2012: I liked the story of Adam & Eve until the fig leaves got in the way.

December 6, 2012: The best part about being a man is that I can pee standing up… should I ever decide to do that.

December 5, 2012: I honestly don’t believe (smoke Marlboros) that subliminal advertising works.

December 4, 2012: It’s a booty call; I just came over to get my boots.

December 3, 2012: “Regrets” are just decisions you remember making.

December 2, 2012: The big lottery winner has just come forward; it’s the 26-year-old model engaged to Hugh Hefner.

December 1, 2012: The doctor said I only have 48 hours to live. That sucks because they don’t announce the winning lottery numbers for another three days.

November 21. 2012: The future is so unpredictable. I mean, 5 days ago, who would have thought I’d still be sitting here.

November 20, 2012: The way I explain “death” to children is that it’s like being asleep, but it’s even better because you don’t have to wake up.  

November 19, 2012: There’s nothing I’m too embarrassed to purchase as long as I don’t have to make eye contact with the cashier.

November 18, 2012: My building doesn’t have a “13th” floor because it’s bad luck. Although a lot of people on the FOURTEENTH floor do seem to be dying.

November 17, 2012: You’re never too old to learn you’re too old to learn something new.

November 16, 2012: Let me hail a taxi. “I applaud and exalt you, oh great & powerful Taxi!”

November 15, 2012: There’s no such thing as a free lunch… or an unpleasant brunch

November 14, 2012: It’s okay that there’s an avalanche at my wedding because I always wanted to be buried in my wedding tux.

November 13, 2012: I’m a member of “A”. (We’re not alcoholics. But we prefer to stay anonymous.)

November 12, 2012: I’m working three jobs because I’m trying to save up for my funeral.

November 11, 2012: Christmas is starting earlier and earlier. My neighbor already put up his X-mas lights for the year after next.

November 10, 2012: It’s said that there is no greater bond than the one between a mother and her child. But I still prefer Sean Connery.

November 9, 2012: I have found that over 50% of the people in this world are total a-holes. Oh, hey, here come my two best friends.

November 8, 2012: My wife & I had a baby in the hope that he would make a good bone marrow donor match for this producer who’s interested in my screenplay.

November 7, 2012: Appreciate what you have because your life could always be worse… unless you’re a rodeo clown.

November 6, 2012: He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands. (Wait- God has hands?)

November 5, 2012: Remember in the 1600’s when the Amish were on the forefront of modern technology?

November 4, 2012: Make room for Kobe… is what they’re not saying up in heaven.

November 3, 2012: I always slow down when the light is green because that means it’s going to turn yellow soon.

November 2, 2012: I went to a psychic medium that seemed 2know all about my family. (Wasn't really that impressive, though, since the medium was my sister.)

November 1, 2012: BATTLESHIP was terrible. But yet it was *still* better than FRIENDship.

Halloween: I’m dressed as a ninja and going door-to-door asking for candy. (It is? Oh, I had no idea today was Halloween.)

Halloween: What does Jason from Friday the 13th do on days when he’s not killing people? Where does he live? What does he do? He must get bored.

October 26, 2012: If I was granted 3 wishes, I’d wish for one-million dollars 3 times. Then I’d invest the money.

October 25, 2012: My wedding ceremony ran overlong cuz the "anyone opposing this marriage speak now/forever hold your peace" part took longer than expected

October 24, 2012: I sleep as much as possible, because it's the best way to achieve my dreams.

October 23, 2012: I went to a fortune teller. She read my palm and just said "Uh-oh." 

October 22, 2012: I’m giving 109% on this project. (I’m not fully committed.)

October 22, 2012: I often think about the friends I never see anymore. I think, “I’m so glad I never see them anymore.”

October 21, 2012: Overall, human beings have proven themselves to be a pretty decent species… I mean, if you don’t count white guys.

October 20, 2012: I think it’s finally time to sit my son down and talk to him about sex. (Did I mention that my son is Ron Jeremy?)

October 20, 2012: I don’t vote until December, when it’s not as crowded.

October 19, 2012: I support the death penalty for brain-dead murderers on life support because who would wanna live like that?

October 19, 2012: My girlfriend has a tramp stamp. It’s a tattoo of Charlie Chaplin.

October 18, 2012: When a man drives around in a Miata, it's only to compensate for his tiny vagina.

October 18, 2012: I don't enjoy following any of the people that Twitter suggests I might enjoy following on Twitter.

October 17, 2012: I just uploaded a clip of me posting this tweet on YouTube.

October 16, 2012: What would happen if the NFL found out that taking steroids helped to reduce concussions?

October 16, 2012: I lost my legs and the woman bled to death. That’s the last time I try on-lion dating.

October 16, 2012: On the 'Wheel of Fortune' bonus round, I picked X, Q, & V. And I picked “O” as my vowel. I’m an extremely confident game show contestant.

October 15, 2012: Damn, I just spilled water on my shirt. That’s impossible to get out.

October 14, 2012: My depressed friend is in his bedroom right now crying for help. Personally? I think it's a cry for help.

October 14, 2012: I might be drunk, but YOU’RE stupid. And at least tomorrow I won’t be… no, I’ll still be drunk.

October 13, 2012: There are two sides to every story. So perhaps the dead prostitute in my bedroom has a different perspective of the events.

October 12, 2012: H

October 12, 2012: Quitting Little League taught me the value of quitting.

October 12, 2012: I have no idea why they call it a “smart phone”. If you ask me, it’s not very phone.

October 11, 2012: As the motivational speaker told the shooting victim, “Today is the last day of the rest of your life.”

October 11, 2012: If God didn’t want men & women to get married, then He wouldn’t have created “not having sex”.

October 11, 2012: I got a sweet letter in the mail from my mom, just to say how much she loves me. It was addressed to “Galanty Miller or Current Resident”.

October 10, 2012: Don’t be a victim! (Be a perpetrator.)

October 10, 2012: My friends can always count on me to be there for them 50% of the time.

October 10, 2012: I’m trying to watch my waistline. (My waistline has hardcore pornography on it.)

October 9, 2012: I stole a yo-yo & a pack of bubble gum. The judge ruled I should not be tried as an adult.

October 9, 2012: “Life is but a dream.” Actually, that statement would be a lot more accurate if you shorten it to “Life is BUTT.”

October 9, 2012: You know what you never hear? “I really want to impress my guests. Bring out the Coors Light!”

October 8, 2012: I'd like 2 C Michael Vick use the QB option more during 3rd&Long because his effectiveness in the pocket is... wait- he did WHAT to dogs?!

October 8, 2012: A good friend is someone who is always there for you- no matter how many times you throw each other under the bus.

October 8, 2012: The Bible says it’s a sin to covet thy neighbor’s wife. That’s why I skip the coveting and go straight to the oral sex.

October 7, 2012: My fiancée and I have the same last name. But when we get married, she wants to keep her last name... just out of spite.  

October 7, 2012: I before E, except after C. That’s such a weird grammar rule in our society.

October 7, 2012: My pen name is Bic.

October 7, 2012: My friend died from alcohol poisoning. So now, before I get hammered, I check to make sure my alcohol hasn't been poisoned.

I'm up to one-million people I'm following on Twitter!

October 5, 2012: Why did I climb the mountain? Because it was there. (Plus, there's a Wendy's on the other side.)

October 4, 2012: Life is so full of possibilities- like can you possibly shut the hell up?!

October 3, 2012: I'm following a lazy serial killer on Twitter. He tweeted "I'm going to kill you". And now he is asking his followers to re-tweet it.

October 2, 2012: The new Creed song sounds totally different from their other songs... is something that is never said.

October 1, 2012: Birthdays are like regular days on ACID! (Because I take acid on my birthday.)

September 30, 2012: I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve committed any kind of serious crime. (803 times)

September 29, 2012: Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

September 29, 2012: What are the first five books of the Jewish Bible? (That was a reTORAHical question.)

September 28, 2012: You know what you never hear? “Let’s stay for the entire poetry reading.”

September 28, 2012: If I had a time machine, I’d go back 12 months into the past. Aren’t you curious to see what life was like back then?

September 27, 2012: I keep a gun under my pillow just in case someone attacks me while I’m fast asleep.

September 27, 2012: You know what you never hear? “That was very honorable of you, Newt.”

September 26, 2012: Every rose has its thorn. For example, there r many great songs on the radio. But sometimes they play Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”.

September 26, 2012: My salad has that “new car” smell.

September 25, 2012: Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough. Just BE not good enough.

September 25, 2012: There’s such a fine line between “we’re friends even though we disagree with each other politically” and “we hate each other”.

September 24, 2012: “Does the carpet match the drapes?” is what I asked that woman, my neighbor, w/the blue drapes getting new carpet delivered this afternoon.

September 23, 2012: Growing up, I was forced to wear my mannequin’s old hand-me-downs.

September 22, 2012: I have the world’s greatest friends! (It’s a shame they’re such terrible human beings, though.)

September 21, 2012: I've been waiting in line for the past 8 hours because Apple has released a new long line.

If Donald Trump had a nickel for every asinine thing he said, he’d be a very rich man.

September 19, 2012: I uploaded my infectious disease on Youtube. I hope it goes viral!

September 18, 2012: It’s said that “the best things in life are free”. But, no, I have to pay for my pelvic massages.

September 17, 2012: I told the cab driver, “Take me someplace where nobody has ever been before.”He responded, “I don’t go to Staten Island.”

September 16, 2012: I’ve been having non-committal sex with an unusable violin- no strings attached!

September 15, 2012: I'm able to communicate with the dead. "Oh, hey, Arsenio's career."

September 14, 2012: Life is all just one big simile. (Though I’m speaking metaphorically.)

September 13, 2102: I went 2 & was horrified 2find out it was a porn site. & I was even MORE horrified 2find out it IS the Pope’s website.

September 12, 2102: I can’t wait for the new Motley Crue album to come out… is what nobody said today.

September 11, 2012: I sleep 24 hours a day because I’m tired all the time.

September 10, 2012: There is so much bullying & violence in schools. When are we going to wake up and put an end to school?!

September 9, 2012: We want our guests to think 'success' if a product of intelligence, competence, achievement, & honor. Quick- someone hide Clarence Thomas!

September 8, 2012: According to my Wikipedia page, I just sent this text.

September 7, 2012: Facebook is so impersonal. So from now, I’m going to let you know my Angry Birds and Farmville scores by phone.

September 6, 2012: I’m writing a play about “Twitter”. It has 144 characters.

September 5, 2012: Everyday I pray to God and give thanks for all the wonderful things I assume will eventually happen to me.      

September 4, 2012: Damn- I just realized my subscription to 'High Times' ran out 9 years ago.

September 3, 2012: Crazy! Last night I dreamt that I won the lottery. And when I woke up this morning, I had lost all my friends.

September 2, 2012: If u want 2reach your dreams, it requires hard work &commitment. This is a big problem 4me because my dream is 2not work hard or commit.

September 1, 2012: My daughter is reaching that age where it’s time for me to sit her down and have an honest, heart-to-heart discussion about Botox.

August 22, 2012: #8 on list of things you don’t want to hear: “I’ll be your teammate on Jeopardy. And I’m a member of the Tea Party.”

August 21, 2012: RED FLAG ALERT: If you ask your blind date to name their favorite Beatle, and they answer “What’s a Beatle?” or “Paul”.

August 19, 2012: Gee, Scooby-Doo has been so depressed & lethargic ever since he jumped into the real world. It’s sad because he used to be so animated.

August 18, 2012: "Look! A celebrity!” “Where? I can’t see because J-WOWW is in the way.”

August 16, 2012: He drank 12 Bud Lights and passed out so thin!

August 14, 2012: At first I wasn't going to get cryogenically frozen. But then I figured, "Hey- you only live once!"

August 13, 2012: I keep a cyanide pill w/me at all times in case I'm ever captured by a foreign enemy trying 2get me 2spill secrets or if Rachel Ray is on.

August 12, 2012: Movie Anachronism, Casablanca: Scene where Bogart's at the bar- he’s using a cell phone. But they didn’t HAVE cell phones when the film takes place.

August 11, 2012: “Wait a second, Uncle Joe! You mean this whole time you could’ve gotten your lazy ass out of bed & helped out around here?!”- Charlie

August 10, 2012: My doctor, Dr. Docktor Smith, likes his patients to call him by his first name.

August 10, 2012: Today is the 50th Anniversary of 50 years ago. We will never forgot.

August 9, 2012: I spent the past few years living behind a few taverns. Then I was arrested. Now I'm back behind bars.

August 9, 2012: Nooooo! It's so tragic!! My entire family was murdered by a psychotic abbreviation, LOL.

August 8, 2012: When you SAY "outdoor festival", what I'm HEARING is "porta-potties".

August 8, 2012: I'm freaking out right now! I just got a threatening tweet... and it came from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!

August 7, 2012: A few years ago I had a one-night stand with my soul mate. I should give her a call one of these days.

August 6, 2012: I’m against gay marriage because the Bible clearly states that a man can live inside a giant fish.

August 5, 2012: I’m trying to raise money for levitation research.

August 4, 2012: “I would LOVE to look at pictures of your children.” (what I would say if I had only 3 seconds left to live)

August 3, 2012: I read about a guy who won the lottery and then his best friend murdered him & tried to steal the jackpot. Hey- you never know!

August 2, 2012: Serial Killer Joran Van Der Sloot is getting marriage proposals in prison. Don’t these women realize he’s unemployed?!

August 2, 2012: I’ve never borrowed money in my entire life. (I HAVE, however, accepted money without any intention of paying it back.)

August 1, 2012: Sometimes I wonder if our planet has enough zombies & vampires to ward off an alien attack.

July 30, 2012: OMG! You were hit by a car?! Okay- I'll be right over as soon as I finish my coffee!

July 29, 2012: The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and your boyfriend’s probably cheating on you.

July 28, 2012: Attractive people inspire all of us to become better looking.

July 20, 2012: Rihanna’s dress is on display at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame… which is sort of like the Baseball Hall of Fame  displaying Joe Namath’s helmet.

July 15, 2012: I had no idea I was on this season’s Big Brother. But I tuned in… and there I was, sitting on the couch, watching Big Brother.

July 14, 2012: Limbaugh claims Batman villain Bain is a Hollywood conspiracy 2 hurt Romney. Coincidentally, next Batman villain is Dr. Ignorant WindBag.

July 13, 2012: During his murder arrest, the cops never read him his special “ogre rights”. So the judge let him off due to a Shreknicality.

July 12, 2012: Queen Elizabeth celebrates 60 yrs on the throne. Has she been a good queen? Ask yourself: R U better off now than you were 60 yrs ago?

July 10, 2012: I wrote a 'kids' joke. QUESTION: What did Dracula say when Frankenstein & the Invisible Man opened the door? ANSWER: "Hi, Frankenstein."

July 4, 2012: Saturday in the park I think it was the 4th of July. No- it DEFINITELY was cuz the guy who sold me bath salts was wearing an Uncle Sam hat.

July 3, 2012: A true friend is someone who stands by your decision to end the friendship.

July 2, 2012: Mitt Romney is portrayed as an elitist. But I believe he stands for every single poll number in America.

July 1, 2012: SUMMER OBSERVATION: The kind of person who doesn’t wear shorts when it’s 90 degrees out is the kind of person who doesn’t own shorts.

June 9, 2012: I'm too embarrassed to see a doctor for a colonoscopy- so I usually just ask a random person on the street to do it. 

June 8, 2012: I just assumed FOX News used the tagline "fair & balances" ironically, like when big guys have the nickname "Tiny".

June 7, 2012: Disney Channel is banning junk food ads. And in other news, McDonalds is banning non-stop TV watching.  

June 6, 2012: JC Penny is having its annual back-to-summer-school sale for delinquents.

June 5, 2012: I predict the viewership for Charlie Sheen’s next sit-com will be about 2 and a half men.

June 4, 2012: Hot new couple Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are asking the media to respect their desire to constantly be in the media.

June 3, 2012: To identical twins, I bet *we* are the ones who all look the same.

June 2, 2012: She might be married to God, but she's the nicest public drinker I've ever met, bar nun.

June 1, 2012: I read that vodka is an effective cleaning product for tile floors, bathtubs, etc. (Coincidentally, household cleaning products are an effective substitute for vodka.)

May 25, 2012: I spent all this time focused on ‘Ying’- when I SHOULD have been concentrating on ‘Yang’. Arghh! This is so frustrating!!

May 25, 2012: Until EVERY American has the right to get married, I refuse to buy anyone a wedding gift.

May 24, 2012: What To Expect When You’re Expecting? A better script.

May 24, 2012: You know what never follows “I went to see a friend’s band”? “...and I had a great time.”

May 23, 2012: I get mad & lose control which gives me a runny nose. Yes, I admit to having anger tissues.

May 23, 2012: You know what you never hear? “Sure, I’d love to read your thesis.”

May 22, 2012: The Bible condemns heterosexuality. It’s Cain & Abel, not Cain & Mabel.

May 22, 2012: Facebook is literally worth billions… which is ironic since Facebook is so worthless.

May 21, 2012: I love watching mixed martial arts because I appreciate the ancient art of choking a guy and punching him in the face.

May 21, 2012: I refuse to stand for The Pledge of Allegiance to the Chair.

May 20, 2012: I travel in a simple, old-fashioned unicycle. I like to keep it wheel.

May 20, 2012: The last thing I remember saying was “I don’t care about no roofie- I’m just freakin’ THIRSTY!”

May 20, 2012: I didn’t realize that my Chevy Impala had such a rough childhood until I read about it in an autobiography.

May 19, 2012: I just don’t have the energy to drink something that tastes like urine. Quick- get me a Red Bull!

May 19, 2012: I carry around Noam Chomsky books in order to fool people into thinking I’m pseudo-intellectual.

May 18, 2012: The “Twilight” movies are so unrealistic. In real life, someone like Bella would NEVER be that dull.

May 18, 2012: I like sex. But I hate traffic. Hence, I have mixed feelings about sex trafficking.

May 18, 2012: I don’t think E = Mc (squared.) I’ve watched 'E!'; it’s not that smart.

May 17, 2012: I like to go camping in hotels.

May 17, 2012: This morning I imagined myself doing sit-ups. It’s important to exercise your mind.

May 17, 2012: I watch the Dr. Oz Show because I want to know exactly what it is that I’m going to die from.

May 17, 2012: My father wanted to turn me into a man so he took me to a whorehouse for a Bar Mitzvah.

May 16, 2012: I just watched Tower Heist. It’s about a cast of wacky characters, led by Ben Stiller, who steal my valuable time.

May 16, 2012: I use a fake ID because I want the bouncers to think that I’m younger than I really am.

May 16, 2012: I went back and deleted my “RIP Dick Clark” tweet because, in all honesty, I don’t really care if Dick Clark rests in peace.

May 15, 2012: Mitt Romney’s personality is really resonating with out-of-touch voters.

May 14, 2012: Shakespeare In Love, The King’s Speech, The Avengers. What do they all have in common? They are (or WOULD be) much better w/the Hulk.

May 13, 2012: I believe in traditional heterosexual marriage- except in cases of rape, incest, and to save the live of the woman. So about half the time.

May 13, 2012: I don't like movies about classical music because I'm uncomfortable with graphic violins.

May 12, 2012: I would make a good Presidential candidate because I've already gotten my sex scandal out of the way.

May 12, 2012: Why do we segregate ourselves w/terms like African-American & Asian-American & Hispanic-American? Can’t we all just be AFRICAN-AMERICAN?!

May 12, 2012: I had this weird premonition that I was gonna die today. But I don't believe in premonitions so I'm not cancelling my plays to hang myself.

May 11, 2012: Getting older is worse than dying. Because at least when you die you don't get any older.

May 11, 2012: As I said to the dying man with 2 hours left to live: You've got your whole life ahead of you. So go ahead and enjoy the movie."

May 11, 2012: Basically, the Ten Commandments were the world's first ten Tweets.

May 10, 2012: It’s normal for kids to have a crush on their babysitter. (My babysitter was former Vice-President Dick Cheney.)

May 10, 2012: The richest man in the world has something in common with the poorest man in the world; they both want to be richer.

May 10, 2012: 1969: “We put a man on the moon!” 2010: “We created Instagram!” Yup, America has seen better days.

May 10, 2012: I have a lot of trouble with short-distance relationships.

May 10, 2012: Basically, the Ten Commandments were the world’s first ten Tweets.

May 10, 2012: 3000 people competed in our town’s local marathon. In other words, 2999 losers competed in our town’s local marathon.

May 9, 2012: I have a 2nd Amendment right to do whatever I want (… because you can’t stop me because I got a gun.)

May 9, 2012: Strangers are just ex-girlfriends you haven’t met yet.

May 9, 2012: My friend died before I had a chance to tell him how much he meant to me. (So now he'll never know that he didn't mean that much to me.)

May, 9, 2012: If you really want to flatter a self-absorbed woman, compliment her I's.

May 8, 2012: I wear sleeves in the shower because I don't like to get my arms wet.

May 8, 2012: At dinner, my blind date had a sudden heart attack and died. Total red flag!

May 8, 2012: People accuse auto mechanics of being crooks. But my guy only charges me 15 bucks for my weekly oil change.

May 8, 2012: Geez- Why would this person think I have any interest in looking at pictures of her kids?! (Well, true, they're *my* kids.)

May 7, 2012: After sex, I said "I love you"- and she immediately ran off. Did I say it too soon? (Or was it because she was a prostitute?)

May 7: 2012: Without Middle School, I would never have learned how to calculate the square route of how traumatized I am from Middle School.

May 7, 2012: I broke up with the woman I'm seeing because she always brings her suitcases on our dates... and I just can't deal with all her baggage.

May 7, 2012: My favorite part of the Chelsea Handler program is when says the unfunny things. God I love every minute of that show.

May 6, 2012: I loved that movie about the low-cal sugar substitute. I hope they make an equal.

May 6, 2012: It's an honor just to be nominated in the same way it's an "honor" to get kicked in the nuts.

May 5, 2012: It has been almost 3 years since Michael Jackson died, & I still can't get over the shock of people being shocked when Michael Jackson died.

May 4, 2012: Irony: Chris Brown abuses women. CHARLIE Brown is abused BY women. Damn, Lucy, just let him kick the frickin' football!

May 1, 2012: I can't believe, in this day & age, with all our medical technology, old people are still dying.

April 25, 2012: Your odds of winning the lottery are 40 million-to-1. That means that everytime I play, my chances of winning increase.

April 24, 2012: The most stressful part of my job is trying to avoid people from work.

April 23, 2012: We need to discourage teenagers from drinking alcohol… especially that disgusting swill Coors Light.

April 22, 2012: Do you know what you never hear? “I don't mind my boyfriend's pedophilia, but he’s such a LOUSY TIPPER.”

April 21, 2012: Do you know what you never hear? "And I owe it all to Ryan Seacrest."

April  20, 2012: We could solve 95% of the nation's problems if everyone would just calm the f*** down.

April 19, 2012: I always order Coke without ice. (I mean- who wants to snort ice?)

April 16, 2012: I keep writing "Jesus". But my spell check keeps correcting me & telling me it should be spelled "jeans".

April 15, 2012: Not into "improv". I prefer "outprov"- watching people on stage who are overly rehearsed.

April 12, 2012: Just drank 3 5-hour energy bottles in a row. Will that give me 15hours of energy OR just 3x as much energy over the next 5hrs OR just kill me?

April 11, 2012: Winning the lottery would finally give me the chance to buy all those friends I’ve always wanted.

April 11, 2012: As punishment for the "bounty" system, if the Saints make the Super Bowl, the Black Eyed Peas should play the halftime show again.

April 10, 2012: Anything u can't fit into 140 Twitter characters probably isn't worth writing, anyway. Plus, it's a great way 2tell my friends how much I lo

April 9, 2012: I'm not embarrassed about failing the math exam because I studied hard and gave 110 percent.

April 8, 2012: My favorite character in Batman is Alfred because he has no super powers, but yet he is still a kick-ass, dirt-fighting butler.

April 7, 2012: "Do you remember "Twitter?" "No." (conversation between two people ten years from now)

April 6, 2012: The only "drug" I need is the power of positive thinking. (ie meth)

April 5, 2012: You never really hear about doctors botching up a sex-change operation.

April 4, 2012: One thing I'll say about the word "it"- it is what it is.

April 3, 2012: When you're nervous about giving a speech, they say 2picture the audience in their underwear. Hope that works 2night when I emcee at the nudist beach.

April 2, 2012: I stole a car & parked it in a private lot. I'm off the hook, though, cuz the sign says 'ALL UNAUTHORIZED VEHICLES WILL BE TOWED AT OWNER'S EXPENSE'.

April 1, 2012: I believe that after we die, we're reincarnated as zombies.

April 1, 2012: I have an unopened DVD copy of 'Green Lantern' on my shelf because I still haven't gotten around to throwing it away.

March 31, 2012: What's even the point of playing tonight's MegaMillions 600million dollar jackpot? I mean, after taxes, you barely get to keep half of it.

March 31, 2012: If Santorum wins GOP nomination, his running mate should be someone without an irrational obsession w/gay sex... just to even out the ticket.

March 30, 2012: The best jokes don't make you laugh; they make you THINK. (Think about it.)

March 30, 2012: Praying 4world peace. That way, God won't think I just ask Him for shallow&selfish stuff... and He'll reward me by letting me win MegaMillions

March 30, 2012: Sometimes I feel like Superman in a world full of people-shaped Kryptonite.

March 29, 2012: I hate life. But years of therapy have taught me that it's okay to feel that way.

March 29, 2102: How is Rush Limbaugh able to face himself in the mirror? (I mean- do they make mirrors that size?)

March 29, 2012: Kids- stay in school! A new study shows that people who graduate from college are 20% less likely to wind up homeless.

March 28, 2012: If men could get pregnant, 'abortion' would be a sporting event.

March 28,. 2012: I don't know why people are so afraid of being attacked by space aliens. We all worship the same God.

March 27, 2012: I went to the Dollar Store yesterday. I bought laundry detergent, a bag of pretzels, and 1/20 of a lap dance.

March 27, 2012: I'm pretty uptight & conservative. In fact, I can count on my rubber spiked glove the number of sadomasochistic sexual encounters I've had.

March 26, 2012: "I'm about to come up with a witty comment for my Twitter page." (Pretweeted by Galanty Miller)

December 19, 2011: The Media is just talking about the bad stuff. But in fairness, under Kim Jong Ill's leadership, the North Korean people had gravity, wind, & occasionally food.

December 15, 2011: "People will never stop renting their movies from video stores like 'Blockbuster'." (one of the many wrong predictions I made last week)

December 6, 2011: Do you know what's even MORE convenient? ACQUAINTANCES with benefits.

November 29, 2011: Just saw the commercial trailer for "New Year's Eve". My New Year's Eve resolution? I'm not going to see "New Year's Eve".

November 24, 2011: During "Thanksgiving", it's important to take some time out to remember all the people who have nothing to be thankful for.

May 20, 2011: I DON'T support the mom who injected 6-year-old daughter w/Botox. But in fairness, what's a parent supposed 2do if their child has wrinkles?

May 16, 2011: The new Triple Double Oreo cookies are hitting store shelves! And in related news, kids are fat.

May 16, 2011: Our local marathon was this morning. The runners were passing out, throwing up, falling down, giving up... and then the race STARTED!

May 11, 2011: Well if the Dalai Lama won't follow me on Twitter, then I won't follow HIM. Two can play at that game.

 

 

 

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Last modified: 07/03/17