My novel, Believe What You Breathe, is now
available in paperback or digital format. Published by Genz
Publishing House, it's the story of life and death and lions. And
not to give anything away, but a certain young wizard with glasses
and a lightning bolt scar on his forehead might- just might-
make an appearance, once again battling the evil Lord Valdemort and
his sexy vampire family, the Cullens. And if you purchase enough
copies, I'll have enough money to start thinking about my next
I'm rejoining the Onion News Network. Isn't that
exciting? I look forward to bragging about how funny I am again.
The lovely, ridiculously sweet women of My Little Magic Shop
interviewed me for their adorable website. A panel of men- myself,
along with Jared Fogel, O.J. Simpson, Josh Duggar, Lamar Odom, Rick
Santorum, Anthony Weiner, and David Duke- were interviewed as part
of the website's
Today's Modern Man: What Is He Thinking?
series. Anyway, I haven't actually read the interview. It's like
listening to your voice on tape. It's too painful. So hopefully I
didn't say anything too inappropriate.
I'm big in Canada. Listen to my interview on CKNW
Radio Vancouver on Monday, August 25, at 12:40 ET. Save the date.
We'll be talking about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge... though I'm
sure I'll have a couple extra minutes to slip in some thoughts about
my attic being haunted by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
I'm now part of the lamestream media. I am a blogger
for the Huffington Post. I look forward to sharing my worthless
opinions with the world.
Check out my posts. And feel free to write vicious
personal attacks in the "comments" section. It's okay. They're
The Onion News Network segment, "Police Slog Through
40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause of Dorm Fire", based on my
original idea, has been nominated for a Webby award. (A Webby award
is the premiere honor given to the best content and design on the
Internet... but you already knew that.)
You can find our little movie all over the Internet.
Or just go to
update: They announced
the 2011 winners. We lost.
You don't understand Twitter?
Neither do I! You think Twitter represents the end of civilized
society as we know it? So do I!
Nevertheless, you can now
follow me on Twitter. My goal? Ten billion followers.
Here is a newspaper article about me. I'm on page 3. 'Chaos in
Libya' is on page 4. I'm bigger than Libya!
my mother's response upon seeing the article: "You need a
The election season is heating up. I did some
work for the Georgia gubernatorial* campaign. My commercials are
already running in the great state of Georgia. I love Georgia! I
like peaches and bulldogs and that Ray Charles song.
And now you know what the Georgia state flag
*My 46th best talent? I can type
“gubernatorial” without the use of spell check.
Big news! I
have a cool new job. I'm going to China as part of a panda-hunting
expedition, in hopes of controlling/reducing the world's panda
population. Also, I'm going to be a writer on a brand new show for
the Comedy Central network. Details to come.
Not only is TV a positive influence on teenagers, a
healthy substitute to reading, and the birthplace of the Olsen
Twins... now there is yet another wonderful thing to love about the
small screen. The Onion is coming to television!
Check out the link.
My job will consist of fetching doughnuts for the
producers, late night building security (11:00pm- 6:00am shift), and I
I'll also be a contributing writer.
Following in the footsteps of my hero,
Mark Twain, I'm one of the new Top Cops In Us Weekly
Magazine's popular "Fashion Police" section. My witty (and
important) fashion comments will appear in two or three issues a
I gave a presentation at Barnes & Noble. Afterwards, I had a chance
to meet Noble's mistress. I found her to be attractive, intelligent,