Galanty Miller

 


 

Here are some of my jokes & headlines from recent Onion News Network segments. Don’t laugh too hard, as recent studies show laughter causes brain tumors.

 

NFL CRACKING DOWN ON HOT-TEMPERED GIRLFRIENDS WHO ARE INCITING ITS PLAYERS TO COMMIT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES CRITICIZED FOR FORCING OBESE PASSENGERS TO BUY TWO MEALS

PRESIDENT OBAMA STILL LOOKING FOR IRAN WAR ENTRANCE STRATEGY

EUROPEAN SOCCER-PLAYING PORN START HOPING TO POPULARIZE SOCCER HERE IN THE USA

UNDERACHIEVING CHILD PRODIGY GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL AT 17

NEW ANTI-DRUG COMMERCIAL WARNS TEENS THAT LONG-TERM MARIJUANA USE RESULTS IN SOME LOSS OF ENJOYMENT

EAGLES COACH CHIP KELLY VOWS TO BRING A CHAMPIONSHIP TO PHILADELPHIA IN SPITE OF ITS HORRIBLE FANS

FOURTEEN YEARS LATER, WOMAN VOWS TO NEVER GIVE UP THE SEARCH FOR HER LOST CAT

DISABLED BOXER SUES FOR THE RIGHT TO FIGHT IN WHEELCHAIR

SOCIOLOGISTS FEAR THAT THE POPULARITY OF SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES IS MINIMIZING THE VALUE OF REAL ACQUAINTANCESHIP

HIGHWAY BUS CRASH TRAGICALLY KILLS A BAKER'S DOZEN

 

Jokes! They're like riddles on Red Bull! They're like puns on acid. They're like clowns... if clowns were funny! They're like laughter-flavored exclamation points. 

 

CONTROVERSIAL ANTI-GAY MINISTER COUNSELS HOMOSEXUALS ON HOW TO MAKE SEX WITH WOMEN LESS REPULSIVE

INSPIRING WOMAN ABLE TO KICK HER DRUG ADDICTION FOR THE 12th TIME

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR CHILD'S NORMAL VIOLENT SCHOOL SHOOTING FANTASIES AND THE REAL WARNING SIGNS

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE STAR KILLED IN BOAT ACCIDENT EXPECTED TO LOSE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN ENDORSEMENTS

TORONTO BLUE JAYS KEEPING THEIR PITCHING STAFF FRESH WITH 162-MAN ROTATION

FORMER STREET GANG THUG OVERCOMES VIOLENT PAST TO BECOME TOP-RANKED ULTIMATE CAGE FIGHTER

CONDESCENSION SURPASSES SARCASM TO BECOME NATION'S TOP INTERACTION

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO FOCUS ON HOW BAD THINGS ARE

3 PRIESTS, 14 BOYS TRAPPED IN CHURCH COLLAPSE AS AUTHORITIES INVESTIGATE POSSIBLE MOLESTATION SCENARIOS

POLICE URGING PEOPLE TO STAY AWAY FROM OTHER PEOPLE UNTIL SERIAL KILLER IS APPREHENDED

TACO BELL ADDS FRESH SALADS TO LIST OF THINGS THEY DON'T SERVE

SENATOR RESIGNS AFTER BEING CAUGHT GETTING PAID FOR SEX

NEW DRUG STUDY FINDS MARIJUANA USE DOWN AMONG PEOPLE WITH CRYSTAL METH

DIAL INTRODUCES SHAMPOO SPECIALLY DESIGNED FOR SHOWERING IN THE AFTERNOON

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN HOPING TO STIMULATE ECONOMY WITH HIS NEW ALBUM OF MUSICAL STANDARDS

NEW MEDICAL STUDY DETERMINES THAT LASER EYE POINTER EYE SURGERY CAUSES BLINDNESS  

NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE SELLS HIS LIFE STORY TO McDONALDS

TRAGIC GUN SHOW SHOOTING HALTED BY HEROIC GUN SHOW SHOOTING

“WALKING" DROPS OUT OF NATION'S TOP TEN MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S TRIP TO DARFUR INCLUDES SOMBER TOUR OF WHERE THE HORRIFIC GENOCIDE IS CURRENTLY TAKING PLACE

TEA PARTY MOVEMENT HOPING TO BECOME MORE INCLUSIVE BY REACHING OUT TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T JUST DUMB IGNORANT ASSHOLES

UNITED NATIONS CONDEMNING CHINA'S MILITARY KARATE PROGRAM

SENATOR AND HIS WIFE HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THEIR EXTRA-MARITAL THREESOME

HIGH SCHOOL COMES TOGETHER AFTER THE TERRIFIC SHOOTING DEATH OF ITS STAR BULLY

REALITY TV STAR KHLOE KARDASHIAN POSING NUDE IN HOPES OF CALLING ATTENTION TO LUPUS 

BLONDE-HAIRED TWELVE-YEAR-OLD  KATIE HARRIS TRAPPED IN SCHOOL BUILDING COLLAPSE ALONG WITH 9 OTHERS

ASHTON KUTCHER SPENDS THREE MONTHS WITH NON-CELEBRITIES TO RESEARCH HIS LATEST ROLE AS A REGULAR PERSON

CHINESE FANBOYS CAMPING OUT OVERNIGHT TO BE THE FIRST TO SEE PIRATED COPY OF "AVENGERS 2: AGE OF ULTRON"

NORTH AMERICA LISTED AMONG TOP TEN CONTINENTS IN THIS MONTH'S "CONTINENTS MAGAZINE"  

KEEBLER'S NEW "CHOCOLATE HATERS" CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES PROMISES NO MORE THAN FIVE CHIPS IN EVERY COOKIE

MALL SHOOTER'S LOW DEATH TOLL EXEMPLIFIES RURAL AMERICA'S ECONOMIC PLIGHT

PROSPECTS GRIM FOR THE FOURTEEN MINERS TRAPPED IN BEAR CAVE

CONGRESS PASSES RESOLUTION ISSUING A FORMAL EXCUSE FOR SLAVERY

THE "FOUR TOPS" MOTOWN REVIVAL TOUR TO INCLUDE TWO ORIGINAL MEMBERS OF THE 1996 "FOUR TOPS" MOTOWN REVIVAL TOUR

POSTAL SERVICE TO SAVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WITH NEW PLAN TO DELIVER NATION'S MAIL USING ONLY 35 MAILMEN

TEXAS SCHOOL BOARD DEMANDING THAT HISTORY TEXTBOOKS PLACE A GREATER EMPHASIS ON JESUS' ROLE IN THE FOUNDING OF AMERICA

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PUSH FOR BIPARTISANSHIP NOW INCLUDES TEA PARTY PROTESTERS AT ALL EXECUTIVE CABINET MEETINGS

BENGAL TIGER ADDED TO DUBAI'S ENDANGERED SPECIES MENU

NOTORIOUS TERRORIST GROUP ISIS GOES ON COLLEGE SPEAKING TOUR

ENVIRONMENTAL STUDY DETERMINES THE EARTH WILL BE COMPLETELY UNLIVABLE BY 1998

CONGRESSMAN ACCUSED OF WASTING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON TOWN HALL MEETINGS

FAMILY HOLDS BENEFIT BARBEQUE TO KEEP BELOVED COMATOSE GRANDMOTHER ON LIFE SUPPORT

300,000 MARCHERS DESCEND ON NATION'S CAPITAL TO PROTEST THEIR MISERABLE PERSONAL LIVES

DOVE'S NEW "REAL WOMEN" CAMPAIGN TO USE EMOTIONALLY INSECURE, ANXIETY-FILLED MODELS

JUICY JUICE BEVERAGES NOW MADE WITH 110% REAL JUICE

PARENTS GROUPS OUTRAGED OVER MTV'S CONTROVERSIAL NEW TEEN DRAMA, ORGY HIGH

NEW DNA EVIDENCE OVERTURNS MARCH 2008 EPISODE OF LAW & ORDER: SVU

NBA OUT FOR 3 TO 6 WEEKS WHILE LeBRON JAMES RECOVERS FROM KNEE INJURY

MALL SHOOTER'S FACEBOOK FRIENDS SAY HE WAS A "LONER", "KEPT TO HIMSELF"

CIA'S ENHANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES OF TERRORIST SUSPECTS REVEAL AL-QAEDA HAS NOTHING PLANNED

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE URGING PEOPLE NOT TO JUMP IN AND RIDE TORNADO

NUTRITIONIST HAILED FOR DESIGNING PRISON LUNCH PROGRAM THAT KEEPS INMATES WEAK & DESPONDENT

NEW SUPER STRENGTH DORITOS NOW AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION

81% OF ADULTS UNABLE TO TEXT AT AN 8th-GRADE LEVEL

NEW HUMAN GROWTH SPORTS BEVERAGE REPLENISHES THE STEROIDS YOUR BODY LOSES AFTER A WORKOUT

HOW TO KEEP STRANGERS FROM LOOKING AT YOUR NUDE PHOTOGRAPHS ON THE INTERNET

ALABAMA CONGRESSMAN HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ASSURE HIS CONSTITUENTS THAT HE'S PROBABLY NOT GAY

DANNON SCIENTISTS INTRODUCE WORLD'S FIRST SOLAR-POWERED YOGURT

FBI DISCOVERS AL-QAEDA RECRUITING SINGLE, MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN THROUGH ON-LINE DATING SITES

ASIAN-AMERICANS APPLAUD "HURRICANE MING-WU" AS RACIAL BREAKTHROUGH

SOCIOLOGIST GOES UNDERCOVER AS A CORPSE IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE THE MISTREATMENT OF DEAD PEOPLE  

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT ABOUT SEX

THOUSANDS OF INTERNET USERS FALLING VICTIM TO "GETTING ROBBED AT GUNPOINT" SCAM

TERRORISM ALERT LEVEL AT ITS LOWEST SINCE THE EERIE CALM RIGHT BEFORE 9-11

CHINA DEVELOPING ITS OWN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

'MAN OF STEEL' SPECIAL EDITION DVD GIVES VIEWERS THE OPTION TO NOT WATCH IT 

PBS TO PREMIERE KEN BURNS' CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED 13-PART PLEDGE DRIVE

AUTHORITIES EXPRESS CONCERN THAT RUSSIAN MOB IS STARTING TO INFILTRATE AMERICAN ACTION MOVIES

LUCKY FAN WHO CAUGHT RECORD-SETTING JAVELIN THROW STILL IN COMA

TEA PARTY MEMBER KILLS WIFE AND SON IN PROTEST OF OBAMACARE

WHITNEY HOUSTON ELECTED TO THE SONG-CHOOSERS HALL OF FAME

DWINDLING ENLISTMENT NUMBERS PROMPTS MILITARY TO LOOK FOR NEW WAYS TO INCREASE HOPELESSNESS IN POOR NEIGHBORHOODS

LEGENDARY HECKLER ANNOUNCES 24-CITY COMEDY CLUB TOUR

SLOW MOVING ARMAGEDDON EXPECTED TO HIT EAST COAST BY WEDNESDAY MORNING

SUSPECTED TERRORIST AMONG THE VICTIMS OF TUESDAY'S MASS SHOPPING MALL SHOOTING

SPORTS LEGEND MAGIC JOHNSON APPEARING IN PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS TO RAISE AWARENESS THAT AIDS APPARENTLY JUST GOES AWAY ON ITS OWN

HILLARY CLINTON SURPASSES 300 FACEBOOK FRIENDS

CRITICS CHARGE GRAND THEFT AUTO BOARD GAME WITH BEING TOO VIOLENT  

GREEN BAY PACKERS ROOKIE WIDE RECEIVER CONTINUES TO IMPRESS COACHING STAFF BY SHOWING UP TO TRAINING CAMP AFTER BEING CUT

COUPLE MARRIED FOR 60 YEARS DIES WITHIN SECONDS OF EACH OTHER DURING CAR CRASH

CONSERVATIVE GROUP FIGHTS TO MAINTAIN THE TRADITIONAL DEFINITION OF "SPOUSAL ABUSE" AS THAT BETWEEN A MAN AND WOMAN

QUARTERBACK JAY CUTLER CHANGING THROWING STYLE TO UNDERHAND

HOUSTON ASTROS SELLING SINGLE-INNING TICKETS

MISS AMERICA PAGEANT TO SHORTEN TELECAST BY ELIMINATING THE CONTESTANTS' ANSWERS DURING Q&A SEGMENT

NBA FIGHT ENTERS THE 30 MINUTE MARK STILL WITHOUT ANYONE HAVING LANDED A PUNCH

SCIENTISTS THEORIZE THAT WATER WAS ONCE POPULATED BY MILLIONS OF MICROSCOPIC DINOSAURS

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER ENCOURAGING YOUNG GIRLS TO ASPIRE TO MORE THAN JUST GETTING INVOLVED IN PORNOGRAPHY

HOLLYWOOD BEING CREDITED FOR RE-SENSITIZING CHILDREN TO VIOLENCE

TERRORISTS ABLE TO INFILTRATE COLLEGE BAR USING FAKE ID'S

ARREST OF COLUMBIAN PRESCRIPTION DRUG LORD DENOUNCED BY SENIOR CITIZENS

WEALTHY PHILANTHROPIST OPENS 40 MILLION DOLLAR DREAM PRISON FOR URBAN YOUTH

BALTIMORE RAVEN'S ASSISTANTS COMPETE IN GRUELING TRAINING CAMP BATTLE IN HOPES OF BEING NAMED OPENING DAY STARTING COACH

DENTIST ACCUSED OF FONDLING FEMALE PATIENTS' TEETH

FAMILY FIGHTING OVER THEIR DYING GRANDFATHER'S MISSOURI CONGRESSIONAL SEAT

LIFE EXPECTANCY AMONG LINDSAY LOHAN FALLS BELOW 3rd WORLD COUNTRIES

ALABAMA SCHOOL BOARD REQUIRING HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE CLASSES TO TEACH ABOUT DARWIN'S DEVIANT PERSONAL LIFESTYLE

ECCENTRIC FAST FOOD LOVER LEAVES HER ENTIRE 20 MILLION DOLLAR INHERITANCE TO BURGER KING

OBESITY ADVOCACY GROUPS PROTEST THEIR LACK OF REPRESENTATION ON THE SUPREME COURT

GIANT "PHARMACEUTICAL LOBBY" LOBBY PUTTING FINANCIAL PRESSURE ON CONGRESS TO SUPPORT INITIATIVES THAT BENEFIT THE PHARMACEUTICAL LOBBY

THE POOR BEING HIT HARD BY NATION'S ECONOMIC RECOVERY

'CAR & DRIVER' MAGAZINE RATES THE NEW 2015 PORSCHE DRIVER AS A "SLICK, STYLISH DOUCHE BAG"

HOSTESS SCIENTISTS UNINTENTIONALLY COME UP WITH GREAT TASTING NEW SNACK CAKE

NEW STATE-OF-THE-ART NANNY CAMS CAN NOW BE INSERTED DIRECTLY INTO NANNY'S EYE SOCKET

REDBOX EMPLOYEES WORKING INSIDE RETAIL KIOSKS DEMANDS BETTER CONDITIONS

DONALD TRUMP BUILDING LUXURY WEST SIDE APARTMENT BUILDING FOR REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS

STUDY: MEDICINAL MARIJUANA EFFECTIVE IN HELPING CANCER PATIENTS GET HIGH

GODZILLA TOPS BARBARA WALTERS' LIST OF MOST FASCINATING MONSTERS

MEDICAL RESEARCHERS CLOSE TO FINDING AN ILLNESS FOR 'STIFF SHOULDERS'

ROMANCE NOVELIST FILES PLAGIARISM LAWSUIT AFTER NOTICING EERIE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN HER 2006 BEST SELLER AND OREGON CONGRESSMAN'S NEW AGRICULTURE BILL

AUSTRALIA NO LONGER ALLOWING TOURISTS TO KEEP THE KANGAROOS THEY FIND  

NEW PUBLIC SERVICE CAMPAIGN REMINDS YOUNG PEOPLE TO COVER UP THEIR FACE WHEN THEY SEND NUDE PICTURES OF THEMSELVES ON-LINE 

ADVERTISERS PULLING THEIR PRODUCTS FROM RUSH LIMBAUGH

LIQUOR INDUSTRY HIT HARD BY NATION'S ECONOMIC RESURGENCE

PORSCHE RUINED BY "PRO-LIFE" BUMPER STICKER

KARATE MASTER DROPS TWO BELT CLASSES IN ORDER TO CHALLENGE PURPLE BELT CHAMPION

NEW GOVERNMENT MONEY-MAKING PLAN TO OFFER PERSONALIZED SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S NEW ECONOMIC PLAN CALLS FOR THE CREATION OF 650 MILLION NEW JOBS

NEW 'BIG BROTHER' PROGRAM HELPS BOYS OVERCOME THE TRAUMA INFLICTED BY THEIR ACTUAL BIG BROTHERS

WORLD'S SHODDIEST BUILDING EXPECTED TO BE COMPLETED 4 MONTHS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE

GOVERNMENT ADMITS USING PSYCHICS TO SPY ON AMERICANS' FUTURES

WOMAN'S UNWANTED ADVICE COLUMN BEING SYNDICATED NATIONALLY

KELLOGG'S FROSTED MINI-WHEATS NOW AVAILABLE UN-MINI-WHEATED FOR PEOPLE WHO ONLY WANT FROSTING

HOUSEWIFE SHARES HER FACEBOOK STORIES AT DINNER TABLE

HOT WHEELS RESTRUCTURING PLAN CALLS FOR MORE LOOP-EFFICIENT CARS

JOHNSON & JOHNSON INTRODUCES LISTERINE FOAM

NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED OUTSIDE NIGHTCLUB BRANDISHING FIREARM

FDA APPROVES ERECTION-FIGHTING DRUG THAT ENABLES 8th GRADE BOYS TO LOSE THEIR EMBARRASSINGLY FREQUENT ERECTIONS

JUDGE RECUSES HERSELF FROM SERIAL KILLER TRIAL AFTER ADMITTING THAT SHE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH DEFENDANT

CADILLAC ESCALADE INTRODUCES NATION'S FIRST ACCREDITED OnSTAR UNIVERSITY

CONGRESS HOLDS EMERGENCY SESSION TO OUTLINE "EMERGENCY SESSION PAY" BILL

CLEVELAND AWARDED HURRICANE KATRINA MUSEUM

AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANTS FAIL TO IMPRESS JUDGES DURING SHOW'S "BAROQUE" THEME NIGHT

AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION WARNS NATION'S USED CAR SALESMEN GOING COMPLETELY INSANE, PRACTICALLY GIVING AWAY CARS

FDA WARNS THAT THE NATION'S ENTIRE MILK SUPPLY WILL GO BAD WITHIN THREE WEEKS

RINGO STARR NAMED HONORARY FOURTH BEATLE

TSA LOOSENS FLIGHT RESTRICTIONS: PASSENGERS CAN ONCE AGAIN BRING EXPLOSIVES ON THE PLANE

OVERLY CAUTIOUS NBA REFEREES CANCEL CELTICS/LAKERS GAME DUE TO RAIN

IS YOUR SPOUSE SECRETLY DIVORCING YOU?

RELIGIOUS GROUPS HOLD INTERNATIONAL FORUM IN AN ATTEMPT TO QUELL THE DANGEROUSLY GROWING TIDE OF LOGIC

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES SPONSORS AWARENESS CAMPAIGN TO REMIND KIDS THEY'RE OBESE

(Here's one I found from the 1950's!) CONGRESSMAN INTRODUCES BILL TO PUT MORE MONEY INTO RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT OF PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING SUBSTANCES

GOVERNMENT RESTRUCTURING PLAN CALLS FOR GENERAL MOTORS TO BECOME NATION'S TOP PRODUCER OF FROZEN YOGURT

NATION'S PLASTIC SURGEON GENERAL WARNS THAT MILLIONS OF AMERICANS LACK ADEQUATE LIPOSUCTION

CONGRESSIONAL BILL WOULD RAISE THE FAKE ID AGE TO 19

NEW ULTRA-EXTREME MOUNTAIN DEW MADE WITH 100% CHINESE THROWING STARS

LOTTERY WINNER PROMISES TO KEEP NOT WORKING

HOUSE RESOLUTION WISHING CALIFORNIA REPRESENTATIVE DARRELL ISSA A HAPPY BIRTHDAY FALLS 60 VOTES SHORT.

UNDERSTUDY WOWS AUDIENCE DURING WHOOPI GOLDBERG'S ONE-WOMAN SHOW

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES WARNS OF OUTBREAK OF THE GIGGLES

CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL PRESERVE RAISES SELL-BY DATES

NICK LACHEY'S NEW CD UNABLE TO COMPETE WITH THE GROWING TREND OF NOT LISTENING TO HIS MUSIC

COUPLE'S UGLY DIVORCE BEING DRAGGED THROUGH FACEBOOK

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND INSECURITY HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE WHAT A GOOD JOB IT'S DOING

CONGRESSMAN JUMPSTARTS HIS 2016 PRESIDENTIAL BID WITH AWKWARD TOUR OF NEW HAMPSHIRE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM

ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER PERFECTLY PRESERVED 5000-YEAR-OLD STYROFOAM MAN

GERMANY: BUDGET CUTS ENABLING SCHOOLS TO DROP THEIR HISTORY DEPARTMENTS

NBA OUT FOR 3 to 6 WEEKS WHILE LeBRON JAMES RECOVERS FROM KNEE INJURY

SAUDI ARABIA: JUDGE RULES THAT BOY ACCUSED OF CRIME CAN BE TRIED AS A WOMAN

PESSIMISTIC CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE SAYS ECONOMIC RECESSION WILL LAST ANOTHER 800 YEARS

FOX BASEBALL ANALYST JOE BUCK BREAKS RECORD FOR MOST THINGS SAID DURING A 9-INNING GAME   

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN USES HIS PRESS BRIEFING TO APOLOGIZE TO THE DOZENS OF GROUPS HE OFFENDED DURING LAST WEEK'S PRESS BRIEFING

REMORSEFUL MICHAEL VICK TELLS REPORTERS HE IS SORRY FOR ALL THE DOGS AND PEOPLE HE HAS KILLED

NEW YORK STATE HOPES TO ENCOURAGE A HEALTH LIFESTYLE WITH CONTROVERSIAL NEW TAX ON FAT CHILDREN

'NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN' COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF CHRIS BROWN BECAUSE IT HAS A SPECIAL BOND WITH THE TROUBLED BAD BOY SINGER THAT YOU JUST WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND

DANGEROUS NEW TREND: GROWING NUMBER OF TEENAGERS PARTICIPATING IN THANKSGIVING ORAL SEX PARTIES

UNDECIDED VOTERS ALREADY LOOKING AHEAD TO 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

NEW ON-STAR OPTION AUTOMATICALLY ALERTS DRIVER'S FACEBOOK PAGE IN THE EVENT OF A CRASH

X-RAY DISCOVERS 6-FOOT ALLIGATOR LODGED IN MAN'S BRAIN

STUDY: EMPLOYEES WITH ON-LINE DEGREES BETTER EQUIPPED TO HANDLE THE RIGORS OF WASTING VALUABLE OFFICE TIME ON-LINE

REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN MITCH McCONNELL AND JOHN BOEHNER VOW TO WORK TOGETHER IN THE SPIRIT OF PARTISANSHIP

JUDGE ON TRIAL FOR MURDER TO ACT AS HIS OWN JUDGE

BAYER INTRODUCES POWDERED ASPIRIN TAKEN BY SNORT

SUDANESE LOTTERY JACKPOT HITS 480 AMERICAN LOTTERY TICKETS

ACTRESS JESSICA ALBA SIGNS ON TO PLAY REAL-LIFE PORN STAR KIM KARDASHIAN IN NEW BIG BUDGET BIO-PIC

NEW STUDY FINDS COLLEGE GRADUATES MAKE AN ESTIMATED 40 MILLION DOLLARS LESS OVER THE COURSE OF A LOTTERY THAN HIGH SCHOOL DROP-OUTS

SINGER NICK LACHEY INKS DEAL TO SELL HIS NEW CD EXCLUSIVELY AT ABANDONED BUILDING THAT USED TO BE A K-MART

FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL CRITICIZES FOX NEWS CHANNEL FOR BEING TOO "PRO-OBAMA"

U.S. GOVERNMENT AND AL QAEDA MOMENTARILY UNITE IN NON-PARTISAN EFFORT TO FIGHT CHILDHOOD DIABETES

DOZENS OF AUTHENTIC OLIVE GARDEN-STYLE RESTAURANTS TO OPEN IN ITALY

BILL O'REILLY WINS GRAMMY FOR BEST SCREAMING WORD ALBUM

VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW A BIG RATINGS WINNER AMONG PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THAT ACTUAL PORNOGRAPHY EXISTS

SINGER CHRIS BROWN IN HATE-FILLED TWITTER WAR WITH HIS ANGER MANAGEMENT COUNSELOR

STRUGGLING ECONOMY FORCING MILLIONS OF AMERICANS TO GET A JOB

UNITARIAN CHURCH CALLS ITS FIRST TRANSGENDERED MINISTER A "GOOD FIRST STEP IN GETTING ON THE NEWS MORE"

SAUDI ARABIA: PROGRESSIVE NEW LAW GIVES WOMEN THE RIGHT TO WATCH THEIR HUSBANDS VOTE

TROUBLING ECONOMIC SIGN: 71% OF RECENT COMMUNITY COLLEGE GRADUATES UNABLE TO GET A JOB AT WHEREVER THEY WERE WORKING IN HIGH SCHOOL

SPOKESMAN FOR COORS "DRINK RESPONSIBLY" CAMPAIGN CRITICIZED FOR WINKING SARCASTICALLY

AREA MAN DEDICATES LIFE TO NOTIFYING FELLOW DRIVERS WHEN THEIR TIRES LOOK A LITTLE FLAT

THIEVES RACK UP THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN SAVINGS AFTER STEALING WOMAN'S SHOPPERS CLUB CARD

RETIRING 'SIX FLAGS' CEO GIVEN SEVERANCE PACKAGE OF BON JOVI POSTER, STUFFED GIRAFFE TOY

STATES CONSIDER RAISING THE ILLEGAL DRINKING AGE TO 14

ELDERLY COUPLE CELEBRATES 60 YEARS OF HAPPY SELECTIVE MEMORIES

COLUMBIA PICTURES SIGNS 3-PICTURE DEAL WITH SIR BEN KINGSLEY IN HOPES OF REVIVING GANDHI FRANCHISE

IS THE COMMERCIALIZATION OF CHRISTMAS TAKING AWAY FROM THE TRUE MEANING OF COMMERCIALS?

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES BUILDING NEW STADIUM FOR FANS UNABLE TO AFFORD TICKETS TO THE ACTUAL GAMES

SOCIOLOGISTS DISCOVER 7-YEAR-OLD GIRL RAISED IN COMPLETE SOCIAL ISOLATION HAS THE MENTAL DEVELOPMENT OF AN AVERAGE 15-YEAR-OLD

AREA PAPA JOHNS SIGNS STEELER'S 11th ROUND DRAFT PICK

CITY OFFICIALS HOPING CONSTRUCTION OF BANANA REPUBLIC WILL REJUVENATE POVERTY-RIDDEN MALL

DOCTORS ABLE TO REVIVE COLLEGE SOPHOMORE STOKED FOR OVER 17 STRAIGHT HOURS

DELAWARE CONSIDERS RAISING THE SPEED LIMIT FOR PEOPLE IN A HURRY

NEW STUDY FINDS COLLEGE GRADUATES EARN A MILLION DOLLARS MORE OVER THE COURSE OF A LIFETIME IF THEY CAN FIND A JOB

ENTIRE BEATLES MUSIC CATALOGUE BEING RELEASED IN CHEWABLE TABLETS

POP STAR KEISHA LAUNCHES PUBLIC AWARENESS CAMPAIGN REMINDING YOUNG PEOPLE TO USE PROTECTION WHEN THEY HAVE SEX WITH HER 

POLL: WOMEN NAME 'HONESTY' & 'SENSE OF HUMOR' AS THE TRAITS THEY'RE MOST LOOKING FOR IN THE HOT, EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MEN THEY'RE LOOKING FOR

NICHOLAS CAGE'S LIFE COMES TO A TRAGIC MIDDLE

'HANSER & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS' STAR JEREMY RENNER ADMITS HE HAS NO RECOLLECTION OF MAKING THE FILM

OBAMA AIMS TO LIMIT CIVILIAN CASUALTIES WITH SWITCH TO TASER DRONES 

MUSEUM OF ANTIQUATED, UNSAFE PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT TO OPEN IN URBAN NEIGHBORHOOD   

RESEARCHERS AT PRINCETON UNIVERSITY SEARCH FOR NEW WAYS TO KEEP THE OVERSEXUALIZATION OF YOUNG WOMEN FROM STOPPING

NATION RELIEVED TO LEARN THAT MISSING GIRL WAS JUST ON VACATION WITH HER FAMILY

SPAIN'S ANNUAL RUNNING OF THE BULLS RESULTS IN SIX WELL-DESERVED DEATHS

WOMAN BATTERED BY ALCOHOLIC HUSBAND 14 MINUTES AGO, ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE

JOHNSON & JOHNSON INTRODUCES NEW LISTERINE FOAM

DRUG COMPANY ACCUSED OF MARKETING RITALIN TO KIDS

TERRORIST GROUPS REFUSING TO CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR BOTCHED TERRORIST ATTACK

STATE-OF-THE-ART SPECIAL EFFECTS MAKING IT EASIER FOR YOUNG ACTRESSES TO FIND GOOD ROLES FOR OLDER WOMEN 

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE

CHURCHES ATTRACTING NEW MEMBERS WITH THE ADDITION OF LUXURY BOXES

PRODUCER OF THE “BARELY ILLEGAL” PORN DVD's CONVICTED OF USING 17-YEAR-OLD ACTRESSES

TEXAS: NEW GUN LICENSE REGISTRATION FORMS ALLOW YOU TO FILL IN YOUR OWN NAME AS A “REFERENCE”

PRESIDENT OBAMA HOPING TO STIMULATE ECONOMY BY INCREASING PRODUCTION OF OBAMA COMMEMORATIVE COINS

MICHELLE OBAMA MEETS WITH NATION'S FIVE LIVING FORMER FIRST LADIES TO DISCUSS THE CURRENT STATE OF READING-TO-CLASSROOMS  

STUDY DETERMINES ASININE CELL PHONE CONVERSATIONS CAUSE BRAIN CANCER

PONDEROSA RESTAURANTS INTRODUCE NEW MORE-THAN-YOU-SHOULD-EAT BUFFET

JOHN DEERE RIDING MOWERS BEING OUTSOLD BY COMPANY'S NEW "LYING DOWN" MOWER

LEVITRA NOW AVAILABLE IN SPORTS DRINK FORM    

FORMER DRUG DEALER DONATES 23 MILLION DOLLARS TO HELP WARN KIDS ABOUT THE DRUG LIFESTYLE

JAY-Z RELEASING ALBUM OF CHILDREN'S SONGS FOR WHITE PEOPLE

CRITICS OPPOSE NASA'S NEW 17-BILLION-DOLLAR DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED HUBBLESCOPE

"OLD EL PASO" TO OPEN NATIONWIDE CHAIN OF MEXICANISH RESTAURANTS

TITLEIST INTRODUCES TITANIUM PUTTER THAT WILL ENABLE GOLFERS TO PUTT THE BALL OVER 220 YARDS

WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY 2103 EDITION DOWN TO 400 WORDS

NEWS AGENCIES CALL OFF COVERAGE OF SEARCH FOR MISSING GIRL

HALF ASIAN/HALF BLACK CONGRESSMAN HOPES TO ONE DAY BECOME NATION'S FIRST ASIAN-AMERICAN PRESIDENT

NORTH KOREA RETRAINING ITS CITIZENS TO GO WITHOUT FOOD

STUDY: "MEDICAL EXAMS" TOP SEXUAL FETISH AMONG DOCTORS

SAT EXAM ADDING “ATHLETIC ABILITY” SECTION

SINGER CHRIS BROWN IN HATE-FILLED TWITTER WAR WITH HIS ANGER MANAGEMENT COUNSELOR

JC PENNY'S ANNUAL "BACK TO SUMMER SCHOOL" SALE STOCKING THE LATEST STUPID KID FASHIONS

JUMP IN THE MIAMI MURDER RATE PROMPTS CBS TO ADD A SECOND "CSI: MIAMI" SERIES

LIL' WAYNE IN CRITICAL CONDITION FOR FIFTH CONSECUTIVE YEAR

POPE FRANCIS CLARIFIES THAT HE NAMED HIMSELF AFTER FILM DIRECTOR FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA

JESSICA SIMPSON GOES ON TOUR TO PROMOTE THE NOVEL SHE READ

GERBER EXPANDING INTO THE ADULT BABY FOOD MARKET

'PEOPLE MAGAZINE' NAMES MICKEY ROURKE THE SEXIST MAN IN THE HOTEL BAR RIGHT NOW

FEMALE BIRTHS OUTPACING MALE BIRTHS 50% TO 48%

SERIES OF PERSONAL TRAGEDIES INSPIRES LOCAL ATHEIST TO BLAME A HIGHER POWER

NEW IMPROVED MOUNTAIN DEW FORMULA ELIMINATES THE UNPLEASANT DURING-TASTE

AUTOMOBILE INDUSTRY INITIATING MORE ENERGY-EFFICIENT WAYS TO LAY OFF EMPLOYEES

WOMAN UNABLE TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN ACTUAL STORIES AND RANDOM THINGS THAT SHE DID THAT DAY

DUSTIN "SCREECH" DIAMOND AGREES TO APPEAR IN NEW 'SAVED BY THE BELL' MOVIE IN THE HOPE THAT SOMEONE WILL MAKE IT

ST. PATRICK'S DAY UNDER FIRE FOR ITS STEREOTYPICAL PORTRAYAL OF IRISH PEOPLE

STUDY: MOST AMERICANS TOO DESPONDENT TO NOTICE IF SEQUESTER IS MAKING THEIR LIVES WORSE

TACO BELL TO BEGIN SERVING SOFT DRINKS IN DORITOS SHELL

REO SPEEDWAGON COVER BAND TOURING NATION WITH THREE ORIGINAL MEMBERS OF REO SPEEDWAGON

SOUTH DAKOTA: BILL WOULD BAN LATE-TERM ABORTION UNLESS THE FETUS IS STEVEN SEGAL

FDA APPROVES ANTI-SHAME PILL THAT MAKES YOU FORGET YOU HAD SEX FOR UP TO 24 HOURS

**THE ACADEMY AWARDS**

JOAQUIN PHOENIX CONSIDERED A LOCK TO NOT WIN "BEST ACTOR" AWARD

IN ACADEMY AWARDS MIX-UP, PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN NOMINATED FOR BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

FRIEND'S MOTHER ABSOLUTELY LOVED "SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK"

TIME TRAVELERS FROM 2 YEARS IN THE FUTURE COME BACK TO INFORM ACADEMY AWARDS VOTERS THAT NOBODY REMEMBERS "SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK"

"DJANGO UNCHAINED" BEING PRAISED FOR ITS POSITIVE PORTRAYAL OF SLAVES

GERARD BUTLER TO RECEIVE A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT BAN

NEW RULE REQUIRES OSCAR NOMINATED ACTRESSES TO CHANGE OUTFITS DURING EACH COMMERCIAL BREAK

JADED ROBERT DeNIRO JUST WEARING SWEAT PANTS TO THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY AWARDS

KHLOE KARDASHIAN TO PRESENT THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR "BEST PICTURE"

ACADEMY AWARDS TO SHOW COMMERCIALS DURING THE TECHNICAL CATEGORIES

EIGHT-YEAR-OLD THE YOUNGEST EVER TO BE NOMINATED FOR "BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY"

QUENTIN TARANTINO NOMINATED FOR THE "BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY" HE RIPPED OFF

ACADEMY AWARDS' "IN MEMORIAM" SEGMENT TO INCLUDE ANY FAMOUS PERSON OVER 80

ACADEMY AWARD MEMBERS TO SELECT NEW POPE

VERA WANG DESIGNING THE JEANS THAT TOMMY LEE JONES IS WEARING TO ACADEMY AWARDS

ACADEMY AWARDS TO BLOCK OUT QUENTIN TARANTINO'S HIDEOUSLY UGLY FACE ON CAMERA

MAJORITY OF AUDIENCES LITERALLY CANNOT GET THROUGH THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OF "BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD"; WILL THIS HURT ITS OSCAR CHANCES?

"PAWN STARS" NOW ELIGIBLE FOR A "BEST DOCUMENTARY" OSCAR

42-YEAR-OLD QUVENZHANE WALLIS JUST FEELS HONORED TO BE NOMINATED FOR HIS CHALLENGING ROLE AS AN 8-YEAR-OLD LITTLE GIRL

ACADEMY AWARDS' DOLBY THEATER BUILDS ONE-MILLION-DOLLAR INDOOR PLAYGROUND TO GIVE QUVENZHANE WALLIS SOMETHING TO DO DURING SHOW

LONE ASSASSIN SHOOTS DANIEL DAY-LEWIS IN THE BACK OF THE NECK AS HE SAT WATCHING THE ACADEMY AWARDS

'AMOUR' STAR EMMANUELLA RIVA CRITICIZES HOLLYWOOD FOR ITS LACK OF GOOD FILM ROLES FOR 85-YEAR-OLD FRENCH ACTRESSES

BEN AFFLECK TO FOLLOW UP 'ARGO' SUCCESS WITH SEQUEL TO 'GIGLI'

PAKISTANI VERSION OF "ZERO DARK THIRTY" TO EDIT OUT ANY MENTION OF OSAMA BIN LADEN'S DEATH

STEVEN SPIELBERG BEING FLOODED WITH 'MOVIE-DIRECTING' OFFERS AFTER HIS OSCAR WIN

ACADEMY AWARDS RED CARPET CEREMONY MARRED BY WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH PROTEST

ACADEMY AWARDS TO PRESENT 45-MINUTE MONTAGE OF FILMS THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE

AFTER POOR SHOWING FOR "ZERO DARK THIRTY" AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS, CIA PROMISES TO KILL FOREIGN ENEMIES IN MORE AUDIENCE-FRIENDLY WAYS

QUVENZHANE WALLIS HORRIFIED BY "DJANGO UNCHAINED" CLIPS

SETH McFARLAND A BIG HIT WITH AUDIENCE UNTIL HE THROWS IN A "THE CLEVELAND SHOW" REFERENCE

"BULLET TO THE HEAD" GETS UNEXPECTED ACADEMY AWARDS BOX OFFICE BUMP

ROBERT DeNIRO'S "BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR" OSCAR ALREADY UP FOR AUCTION ON eBAY

OVERNIGHT NIELSON RATINGS IN: ACADEMY AWARDS A BIG HIT WITH "PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO BE BORED" DEMOGRAPHIC

BALTIMORE RAVENS LINEBACKER RAY LEWIS CAPS HALL OF FAME CAREER WITH ACADEMY AWARD WIN

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS MESMERIZING AUDIENCES BY MORPHING INTO "RICH MOVIE STAR WALKING THE RED CARPET" CHARACTER

QUVENZHANE WALLIS WALKS THE RED CARPET ESCORTED BY HER INVISIBLE FRIEND

BIG BUDGET ACTION MOVIE STARRING DENZEL WASHINGTON AS A "RED CARPET SECURITY GUARD" BEING FILMED ON THE RED CARPET

TOMMY LEE JONES IN VICIOUS ARGUMENT WITH HIS WIFE AS THEY WALK THE RED CARPET TOGETHER

PRE-AWARDS SHOW AUDIENCES BORED AS NOMINEES FROM THE TECHNICAL CATEGORIES WALK THE RED CARPET

IN PREPARATION FOR HIS ROLE IN NEW WOLVERINE MOVIE, HUGH JACKMAN WALKS THE RED CARPET WITH GIANT KNIVES COMING OUT OF HIS HANDS

DESPERATE ISAAC MIZRAHI ON THE RED CARPET BEGGING CELEBRITIES TO WEAR HIS OUTFITS

RED CARPET UPDATE: EMMANUELLE RIVA WEARING LADY GAGA'S "KERMIT THE FROG" OUTFIT

ACADEMY AWARDS UPDATE: LINDSAY LOHAN STUMBLING AROUND DRUNK ON THE RED CARPET

EXPERTS FIND DEVELOPMENTAL PROBLEMS IN KIDS WHO WATCH MORE THAN 6 TELEVISIONS A DAY

AREA MAN WATCHING MOVIE ON HBO THAT HE OWNS ON DVD

LIQUOR COMPANY ACCUSED OF MARKETING TO ALCOHOLICS WITH NEW LINE OF ALCOHOL-FLAVORED ALCOHOL

WILL SMITH & JADA PINKETT ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF THEIR NEW CHILD STAR

'GOLF MAGAZINE' ADMITS THAT THEY'VE RUN OUT OF TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR SWING

"BEST 'HALLELUJAH' COVER" ADDED AS PERMANENT GRAMMY CATEGORY

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE URGING PEOPLE NOT TO HAVE SEX OUTSIDE UNTIL SNOWSTORM SUBSIDES

'CAR AND DRIVER' MAGAZINE RANKS 2013's BEST DRIVERS

NEW MISS AMERICA IN DANGER OF LOSING CROWN AFTER OFFICIALS UNCOVER DETAILS ABOUT HER SORDID FUTURE

PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO UNDERGO COSMETIC KNEE SURGERY DURING THE OFF-SEASON

LUCKY FAN DUMPS TAYLOR SWIFT

GROWING NUMBER OF SENIOR CITIZENS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL IN ORDER TO KILL TIME

FDA APPROVES NEW RAT POISON AFTER SUCCESSFUL TESTS ON LABORATORY RATS

VICTORIA’S SECRET' FASHION SHOW A HIT AMONG PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THAT PORNOGRAPHY EXISTS

PSYCHIATRISTS WARN NATION’S USED CAR SALESMEN GOING INSANE, PRACTICALLY GIVING CARS AWAY

NRA PROTESTS BAN ON THE ACTUAL ASSAULT RIFLE USED IN NEWTON SHOOTING

SONY ANNOUNCES SEQUEL TO "ZERO DARK THIRTY" WILL FOCUS LESS ON THE HUNT FOR BIN LADEN

HOW TO STAY SAFE WHILE DRIVING FAST DURING A SNOW STORM

FACEBOOK COMING OUT WITH NEW VERSION SPECIFICALLY FOR POPULAR PEOPLE

NEW LAW REQUIRES AMNESIA PATIENTS TO BE NOTIFIED IF THEY'RE A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER

KELLOGG'S INTRODUCES NEW UNWHEATED FROSTED MINI-WHEATS FOR PEOPLE WHO ONLY WANT FROSTING  

HOT WHEELS RESTRUCTURING PLAN CALLS FOR MORE LOOP-EFFICIENT CARS

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT ABOUT SEX

"JOHN CARTER" SPECIAL EDITION DVD GIVES VIEWERS THE OPTION TO NOT WATCH IT

“BABYSITTING CHANNEL” PREMIERES WITH SOLID RATINGS AMONG KIDS HOME ALONE

WINDEX NOW BEING MARKETED AS A NON-ALCOHOLIC VODKA

“UNHAPPILY MARRIED” NOW A RELATIONSHIP STATUS OPTION ON FACEBOOK

AMERICAN CATHOLICS REVERSE VATICAN’S POSITION ON GOING TO CHURCH

'RASMUSSEN POLL' AMERICANS' FAVORITE POLL, ACCORDING TO NEW RASMUSSEN POLL

NEW “G9” GATORADE SUPPLEMENT HELP TO REPLACE THE GATORADE YOUR BODY LOSES DURING A WORK-OUT

STUDY FINDS 51% OF AMERICANS SIDE WITH THE MAJORITY

OSAMA BIN LADEN CONDEMNS "ZERO DARK THIRTY" FOR BEING FACTUALLY INACCURATE

NEW DRUG ENABLES 8th GRADE BOYS TO LOSE THEIR EMBARRASSINGLY FREQUENT ERECTIONS

NEW DEMOCRATICALLY-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF CHILES SEIZES POWER DURING UNNECESSARY BLOODY COUP

NEW GRADUATE PROGRAM OFFERED AT DARTMOUTH ENABLES PhD STUDENTS TO NEVER GRADUATE

ARSENIO HALL HOPING TO REBOUND FROM LAST YEAR'S FAILED COMEBACK ATTEMPT

WOMAN FINDS MIRACLE POTATO CHIP IN THE SHAPE OF A PRINGLE

NEW ULTRA-EXTREME MOUNTAIN DEW MADE WITH 100% CHINESE THROWING STARS

HEINEKEN NOW USING ONLY FRESH COLD SPRING WATER TO WATER DOWN ITS BEER

AARP GRANTS MEMBERSHIP TO ACTRESS LINDSAY LOHAN BECAUSE SHE LOOKS SO OLD

MTV PRODUCING A CELEBRITY VERSION OF '16 & PREGNANT'

JAPANESE TECHNOLOGY COMPANY DEVELOPS A SHAMPOO MADE ENTIRELY FROM MICROSCOPIC ROBOTS

SCIENTISTS DETERMINE MAN HIT BY LIGHTNING 11 TIMES HAS UNIQUE COMPONENT IN HIS BLOOD THAT CAUSES GOD TO HATE HIM  

MIDAS TO SUPPORT CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL BY DONATING 7 MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF MUFFLERS

500 MILLION DOLLAR POWERBALL WINNER PROBABLY A DOUCHEBAG

POWERBALL OFFICIALS REALLY HOPING THAT THE 500 MILLION DOLLAR JACKPOT WINNER ISN'T A CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER

LeBRON JAMES WORKING WITH KIDS TO TEACH THEM THE FUNDAMENTALS OF HIGHLIGHTS

“CANDLE IN THE WIND” TO BE INCLUDED ON ELTON JOHN’S UPCOMING WORST HITS ALBUM

LAYS POTATO CHIPS NOW BEING PACKAGED WITH A HEALTHY SIDE SALAD

“JUGGLING” TOPS TIME MAGAZINE’S LIST OF LEAST-RESPECTED TALENTS

HULU NOW LETS YOU DOWNLOAD MOVIES DIRECTLY TO YOUR FOOD

CONTROVERSIAL NEW HOMELAND SECURITY BILL REQUIRING ALL AMERICANS TO JOIN FACEBOOK

OBAMA MAKES BOLD DECISION TO RAISE HIS DAUGHTERS GAY

ELECTION HEADLINES!

OBAMA’S POLL NUMBERS RISE AFTER HE VOWS TO FIND & KILL THE GHOST OF BIN LADEN

ROMNEY REACHING OUT TO YOUNGER VOTERS WITH ‘MITT ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT’ VIDEO GAME

PRESIDENT OBAMA PROPOSES UPPER CLASS TAX HIKE IN ORDER TO PAY FOR 60-FOOT SOLID GOLD OBAMA STATUE

CALIFORNIA’S REDISTRICTING PLAN GIVES RYAN GOSLING 16 ELECTORAL VOTES

ANN ROMNEY APPLAUDED BY CONSERVATIVES FOR LEAVING HER JOB IN ORDER TO RAISE MITT ROMNEY

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES TARGETING THEIR CAMPAIGNS TOWARDS THE SWING CELEBRITIES

PAUL RYAN’S NEW MEDICARE-REFORM BILL WOULD REQUIRE PEOPLE TO KILL THEIR ELDERLY PARENTS

VICE-PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN CAMPAIGNING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN HIS CORVETTE

REPUBLICAN PARTY’S NEW “VOTER ID BILL” WOULD REQUIRE YOU TO SHOW A VALID AMERICAN EXPRESS PLATINUM CARD

ROMNEY’S NEW JOB-CREATION PLAN IS EERILY SIMILAR TO “THE HUNGER GAMES”

THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN URGING MUSLIM-AMERICAN COMMUNITY TO TONE DOWN THEIR PUBLIC SUPPORT

PAUL RYAN LOOSENS STANCE ON ABORTION TO INCLUDE CASES OF RAPE, INCEST, OR IF THE FETUS IS A GIRL

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE AGAINST OBAMA THE CLOSEST THING ROMNEY HAS EVER HAD TO A BLACK FRIEND

IN SYMBOLIC SHOW OF BIPARTISANSHIP, OBAMA & ROMNEY NOW SHARING A CAMPAIGN BUS

OHIO RESIDENTS CONCERNED THAT JUST THROWING THEIR BALLOTS INTO THE STATE’S GIANT VOTING HOLE WILL SKEW THE RESULTS   

PRESIDENT OBAMA’S VAST NEW ECONOMIC RECOVERY PLAN CALLS ON ELIMINATING FACEBOOK

NEW POLL HAS MITT ROMNEY WITH LESS THAN 0% OF THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN VOTE

WITH 24 HOURS BEFORE THE POLLS OPEN, DONALD TRUMP WEIGHS A PRESIDENTIAL BID

OBAMA CAMPAIGN ACCUSED OF SUPPRESSING THE VOTE BY HOLDING MONSTER-TRUCK RALLIES ON ELECTION DAY TO DISTRACT ROMNEY SUPPORTERS

POLITICAL ANALYSTS DEBATE HOW POSSIBLE ROMANTIC RECONCILIATION BETWEEN KRISTEN STEWART & ROBERT PATTINSON WILL AFFECT TODAY’S VOTER TURN-OUT

IN MASSIVE PROTEST, THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS DESCEND ON WASHINGTON DEMANDING TO GET PAID FOR VOTING

NEW PEPSI FUSION STAYS COLD WITHOUT REFRIGERATION

46% OF ALL PERSONAL HOME COMPUTERS NOW ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY

FLORIDA ALLOWING PSYCHICS TO VOTE TELEPATHICALLY

A GROWING NUMBER OF VOTING BOOTHS NOW EQUIPPED WITH NETFLIX

NANTUCKET HURRICANE LEAVES THOUSANDS SUMMER-HOMELESS

ARBY'S APPEALS TO HEALTH-CONSCIOUS CONSUMERS BY SHUTTING DOWN

MAJOR MEDICAL ADVANCEMENTS REPORTED FOR PEOPLE BURIED ALIVE

ANDY DICK TO PLAY A DRUG-ADDICTED PERVERT IN NEW REALITY SHOW 

FDA RECALLING ALL HOSTESS SNACKS MADE BEFORE 1986

IN EMBARRASSING GAFFE, MITT ROMNEY UNABLE TO STOP LAUGHING AFTER HIS CAMPAIGN BUS RUNS OVER HOMELESS WOMAN

MAN GETS FRIEND REQUEST FROM GIRLFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND; HMMM...

DALLAS, TEXAS: BULLYING DOWN 30% AFTER SCHOOLS BAN ASCOTS

MITT ROMNEY INVITES THE MIDDLE-CLASS TO A "MEET & GREET" AT HIS ESTATE

MAJORITY OF LOWER-INCOME VOTERS STILL UNDECIDED BETWEEN OBAMA, ROMNEY, AND COMMITTING SUICIDE

82% OF DIVORCES NOW END IN HAPPINESS

FDA APPROVES PILL FOR PEOPLE WITH NO MEDICAL PROBLEMS

AARP APPLAUDS NEW VOTING MACHINE THAT INDICATES CANDIDATES' RACE

PEPSI ADMITS IT HAS DATA-COLLECTING SPYWARE IN ITS SODA

NEW ABSTINENCE EDUCATION PROGRAM FOCUSES ON HOW MUCH SEX HURTS

SURGEONS ABLE TO REMOVE MALIGNANT MAN FROM SHARK

U.S. ENERGY-EFFICIENCY CZAR HIRED TO TURN OFF WHITE HOUSE LIGHTS 

JUDGE RULES THAT POLICE MUST READ MIRANDA RIGHTS BEFORE BEATING SUSPECTS

CONGRESS TO RAISE MONEY BY PUTTING ADS ON SENATORS' FACES

SARAH PALIN WRITING TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT DAUGHTER BRISTOL

"BIGGEST LOSER" SEASON 13 TWIST: CONTESTANTS ARE ON AGAINST THEIR WILL

FINAL REPUBLICAN DEBATE TO CONSIST ENTIRELY OF A BEAR-HUNTING EXPEDITION

NEWT GINGRICH RECEIVES IMPORTANT ENDORSEMENT FROM 'FAT CRIMINAL' MAGAZINE

SCIENTISTS ADMIT THEY STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MIRRORS WORK

NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN WINS ABORTION DEBATE

CIRCUS WORKERS ABLE TO LURE BERSERK ESCAPED ELEPHANT BACK TO ITS TRICK

CHRYSLER INTRODUCES MORE FUEL-EFFICIENT COLORS

GLEE HEARTHROB CHORD OVERSTREET BECOMES NATION'S ONE-MILLIONTH CELEBRITY 

CATHOLIC CHURCH APPLIES FOR LAW-EXEMPT STATUS

JAPANESE TECHNOLOGY COMPANY INVENTS ROBOT WITH THE ABILITY TO EAT

SENATOR JOHN KERRY ASKING SUPPORTERS FOR HIS 2004 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SIGNS BACK

PERFORMANCE ARTIST PROMISES TO DESECRATE AMERICAN FLAG IN NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN WAY  

MOTION PICTURE ACADEMY HONORS KATE WINSLET'S FETUS WITH PREHUMOUS OSCAR 

MORTONS' SALT NOW CONTAINS TWICE THE SODIUM AS REGULAR SALT  

MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX WITH HER 13-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND 

ANGRY MOB ENTERS THIRD YEAR IN SEARCH FOR KILLER

FDA APPROVES MOMENT-DURING ABORTION PILL

TOBACCO COMPANIES CRITICIZED FOR ADVERTISING IN SPOT BEHIND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE TEENS GATHER TO SMOKE

ENVIRONMENTALISTS HOPING TO PREVENT ANIMAL OVERPOPULATION THROUGH ABSTINENCE EDUCATION

MARINE BIOLOGIST PREDICTS THE NUMBER OF CHILDREN WHO WANT TO STUDY DOLPHINS WILL DANGEROUSLY OUTNUMBER DOLPHINS 4 TO 1 BY 2020

TIME-WARNER CABLE DROPS EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM AFTER RATE DISPUTE

IRAQ: 8 MARINES KILLED IN LANDMINE EXPLOSION DURING ROUTINE GAY SEX  

KELLOGG'S CORN FLAKES NOW 100% GLUTEN-FILLED

BOISE STATE SLUT REJOINS CAST OF 'GIRLS GONE WILD'  

DARTMOUTH COLLEGE RAISING MONEY BY BECOMING AN INTERNET PORN SITE

SWINGIN’ GAY BACHELOR VOWS TO NEVER GET MARRIED

POPE BENEDICT HOLDS SPONTANEOUS ROOFTOP MASS

8-YEAR-OLD NEW JERSEY GIRL BECOMES YOUNGEST PILOT TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE

NATIONAL TRIATHLON REPLACES 'SWIMMING' WITH 'RESTING'

CAVE DWELLER SUFFERS HEART ATTACK ACK ACK ACK ACK   

RICK SANTORUM BLAMES SEXUAL REVOLUTION FOR HIS BIRTH

LONG-LOST TUPAC SHAKUR VODKA FINALLY BEING RELEASED

"LOTTERY MAGAZINE" NATION'S MOST SHOPLIFTED PERIODICAL 

GLENN BECK RETURNING TO FOX NEWS AFTER UNSUCCESSFUL STINT AS BATMAN    

LEAVENWORTH PRISONER #523902 TO HAVE HIS NUMBER RETIRED

“THE GREEN HORNET” NOW AVAILABLE ON HBO NO-DEMAND

WOMAN DISCOVERS RARE PICASSO PAINTING WORTH LESS THAN TWENTY DOLLARS

PRESIDENT OBAMA RETHINKS AFGHANISTAN MILITARY STRATEGY AFTER SPENDING THE AFTERNOON PLAYING ‘CALL OF DUTY 3’

iPHONE NOW AVAILABLE WITH MORE URGENT-SOUNDING RINGTONES

KUWAITI PEOPLE OVERTHROW THEIR OPPRESSIVE CITIZENS 

FARMERS ALMANAC PREDICTING GLOBAL WARMING WILL COME EARLY THIS YEAR

NEW SOCIALLY DESPERATE NETWORKING SITE ENABLES USERS TO RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE THEY BARELY KNEW

GEORGE LUCAS FINALLY MAKING THE REAL VERSIONS OF HIS STAR WARS PREQUEL PARODIES

BROOKE BURKE HOSTS NEW SHOW IN WHICH SHE TRAVELS AROUND THE WORLD EXPLORING HOW PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT CULTURES BATTLE DEPRESSION

WORLD'S OLDEST OBESE PERSON DIES AT 62

SECRETARY OF INTERIOR ANNOUNCES PLAN TO TURN NATION’S BRIDGES INTO TERRORIST-FIGHTING ROBOT TRANSFORMERS

SARAH PALIN WRITES TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS

DISTURBING NEW STUDY FINDS 67% OF TEENAGERS NO LONGER CONSIDER ORAL SEX TO BE ENOUGH SEX

OBAMA HOPING TO GAIN BLUE-COLLAR SUPPORT FOR AN UPPER CLASS TAX INCREASE WITH CONCERTED EFFORT TO CONVINCE HARD WORKING AMERICANS THEY’LL NEVER BE RICH

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HOPING TO USE UPCOMING DEBATE TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM THEMSELVES

BEATLES FANS ECSTATIC TO LEARN OF LONG-LOST SONG DISCOVERED ON "ABBEY ROAD" ALBUM

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION CONCERNED ABOUT THE NATION’S RISING UNEMPLOYABLE RATE

NICK NOLTE THE LATEST A-LIST STAR TO SIGN ON FOR BIG BUDGET “CELEBRITY REHAB” MOVIE

MITT ROMNEY ADMITS THAT HE ONCE TRIED SEX IN COLLEGE

SCIENTISTS SAY MAULED CORPSE FOUND IN WOODS IS PROOF THAT BIGFOOT EXISTS

CIGARETTE WARNING LABELS TO BE REPLACED WITH OVERT THREATS

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION CRITICIZED FOR USING BODY OF FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD AS A COFFEE TABLE

A NEW STUDY SHOWS A GROWING NUMBER OF COUPLES WAITING UNTIL AFTER MARRIAGE TO STOP HAVING SEX

VICE-PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN CRITICIZED FOR HOSTING A SPEED-DATING NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE

PRESIDENT OBAMA NAMES NEW CZAR TO LEAD AMERICA’S WAR FOR AND AGAINST DRUGS

BUDGET CUTS FORCING SCHOOLS NATIONWIDE TO ELIMINATE THOUSANDS OF NONESSENTIAL STUDENTS

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AGREE TO A DEBATE CONSISTING OF ONLY RHETORICAL QUESTIONS  

NEVADA SENATOR HARRY REID IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER BEING CAUGHT WITH PROSTITUTE

GYNECOLOGIST ACCUSED OF FONDLING PATIENTS DURING THEIR G-SPOT EXAMS

REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE VOWS HIS HOMOSEXUALITY WON’T INTERFERE WITH HIS ANTI-GAY AGENDA

iPAD’S NEW TIME-TRAVEL APP ENABLES USERS TO GO BACK IN TIME AND INVENT THE iPAD TIME-TRAVEL APP

WAL-MART’S NEW INTERNET DATING SITE MATCHES PEOPLE UP WITH WHOEVER ELSE HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SITE

DESPITE ANTI-PIRACY LAWS, MILLIONS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS STILL DOWNLOADING TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT FILES

NEW iPHONE VOICE CHAT AUTO-FINISHES YOUR WORDS & PHRASES

INNER-CITY SCHOOLS STILL FORCED TO TEACH STUDENTS USING OLD, OUTDATED eBOOKS 

KATE HUDSON GETS STAR ON 'HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME' IN EXCHANGE FOR GOING AWAY

UNEMPLOYMENT IS CAUSING THOUSANDS OF OUT-OF-WORK AMERICANS TO RUN FOR CONGRESS

MICHAEL BAY TO DIRECT FILM BASED ON POPULAR 'AVATAR' TOYS

'TAX COLORADO' BILL PASSES SENATE 98-2

VATICAN INEXPLICABLY MAKES "POPE-MOBILE" MORE RAPE-PROOF

ARBY'S OFFERS MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE TO CUSTOMERS WHO AREN'T AT LEAST 60% SATISFIED

CRACK HOUSE CONVERTED INTO HALFWAY HOUSE WITH ADDITION OF A FRONT DESK

COMMON FOX SQUIRREL ADDED TO BEWILDERED SPECIES LIST

FINANCIALLY-STRAPPED JIFFY LUBE RECOMMENDING OIL CHANCE EVERY 4 MILES

FAMILY FIGHTS TO KEEP DECEASED WOMAN ON RESPIRATOR

WHITESNAKE COVER BAND OPENS FOR WHITESNAKE

MEDICAL RESEARCHERS ARE CLOSE TO FINDING ANOTHER CURE FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

OBAMA ANNOUNCES PLAN TO REACH OUT TO REPUBLICANS BY JOINING REPUBLICAN PARTY

COLUMBIA PICTURES TO UNMAKE 'HANCOCK'

OIL DISCOVERED BENEATH 1993 FORD FIESTA

DOCTORS PERFORM WORLD'S FIRST OPEN-HEART CHECKUP

AUTOPSY REVEALS VICTIM STILL ALIVE

RESIDENTS OF BIG-BUDGET MOVIE RELIEVED AFTER AUTHORITIES DETERMINE SMALL TREMORS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

CRYSTAL METH USE MAY BE GATEWAY TO DRUGS THAT ARE ALMOST AS DANGEROUS

90's POP BAND 'COLOR ME BADD' BACK IN STUDIO TO RECORD FILLER MATERIAL FOR UPCOMING GREATEST HITS ALBUM

AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCES U.S. MAY BE LESS THAN FIVE YEARS AWAY FROM LOOKING FOR CURE FOR LUPUS

NEW SAUDI ARABIAN LAW MAKES IT ILLEGAL TO ABORT A FETUS IN CASES OF RAPE UNLESS IT'S TO KILL THE LIFE OF THE MOTHER

DOCTORS ANNOUNCE THEY'RE LESS THAN 30 YEARS AWAY FROM INVENTING A CURE FOR IMPATIENCE

MAN'S PERSONAL SUBTRACTION HISTORY STOLEN AFTER THIEVES HACK INTO HIS CALCULATOR

SMALL COMMUNITY APPLAUDS DECISION TO CUT MIDDLE SCHOOL MUSIC PROGRAM HALFWAY THROUGH HOLIDAY RECITAL

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR 19-YEAR-OLD ABOUT FINALLY HAVING SEX

STUDY FINDS THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE BECOMING MORE COMMON AMONG GIRLS WHO REALLY ONLY NEED TO LOSE 15 OR 20 POUNDS

MIDDLE AMERICA FINALLY STARTING TO REFLECT HOLLYWOOD'S LACK OF VALUES

NEW TWILIGHT PREQUEL TO FOCUS ON BELLA'S MUNDANE LIFE AT HER PREVIOUS SCHOOL

"WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE" BEING RE-MADE INTO A CHILDREN'S MOVIE

SWIMMING INNOVATOR BEHIND THE BUTTERFLY DEVELOPING ANOTHER USELESS STROKE

“DOLLAR BILL BANDIT" CLAIMS 16th VICTIM, PROMPTING NATIONWIDE MANHUNT FOR SOMEONE WITH 16 DOLLARS

NBA HOLDING SPECIAL LOTTERY TO SEE WHICH TEAM HAS TO TAKE KWAME BROWN 

JUSTICE ALITO RECUSES HIMSELF FROM CASE CITING "LACK OF INTEREST"

POPE BENEDICT EMBARKS ON WORLDWIDE GIFT-GETTING TOUR

PHIL COLLINS' "WORST HITS" COLLECTION TO BE RELEASED AS A DOUBLE ALBUM 

FDA APPROVES GRANDMOTHER-BASED ANTIDEPRESSANT PILL FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED TO SNAP OUT OF IT

TOUGH NEW ALCOHOL LAW FORCES COLLEGE BARS TO ID ANYONE WHO LOOKS UNDER 16

PAUL McCARTNEY & RINGO STARR TEAM UP TO START BEATLES COVER BAND

43% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY SUPPORT THE USE OF MEDICINAL MARIJUANA UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE

AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS, NOMINEE TO THE CHINESE SUPREME COURT ASSURES GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS THAT HE IS ALWAYS IN FAVOR OF IMPRISONING THE DEFENDANT

THOUSANDS OF STRANDED TRAVELERS UNABLE TO CONFRONT THEIR FAMILIES IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING

CBS HIT CRIME DRAMA "CSI: NEW YORK" TO BE FILMED BEFORE A LIVE, ROVING AUDIENCE

IN DIPLOMATIC SHOW OF GOOD WILL, CHINA WILL BE SENDING TWO TIBETAN MONKS TO THE ZOO IN WASHINGTON

OLD NAVY OFFERING FREE CARGO PANTS TO ANYONE WHO STEALS THEM

FDA GRUDGINGLY APPROVES "DRINKING MORE" AS A CURE FOR MORNING HANGOVERS

CHICAGO-BASED MEMORY COMPANY RECALLING THOUSANDS OF ITS PRODUCTS

“AMERICAN IDOL” CHANGES RULE TO ALLOW LIP SYNCHING

IRAQI GOVERNMENT FINALLY STABLE ENOUGH TO START EXECUTING PEOPLE AGAIN

NEW 'SLIM JIM' FLAVORED SNAPPLE MADE FROM THE WORST STUFF ON EARTH

AMERICA'S TOP HIGH SCHOOL MASCOT SIGNS LETTER OF INTENT TO ANNOY PEOPLE AT UCLA

GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS GETTING THEIR NEWS FROM NO SOURCES

NEW JERSEY GAMBLING COMMISSION APPROVES PLAN TO COMP WOMAN'S BREAKFAST

MILITARY AWARDS BILLION-DOLLAR INDOOR WEAPONS CONTRACT TO NERF

REPORT: ATTRACTIVE BILLIONAIRES RANK AS 'HAPPIEST' AMERICANS, FOLLOWED BY DELUSIONAL POOR PEOPLE

 

 

Are you still looking at these? Don't you have anything better to do?

 

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS CONTEND THAT ELVIS FAKED HIS 2007 DEATH

NEW FACEBOOK SECURITY MEASURES MAKE IT HARDER FOR STALKERS TO FRIEND THEIR VICTIMS

MIRACLE PLACEBO FOUND EFFECTIVE IN 80% OF PATIENTS WHO HAVE CONVINCED THEMSELVES THEY HAVE A DISEASE

 

NEW ‘HUNGRY MAN’ POWERBAR DESIGNED TO GIVE YOU THE EXTRA BURST OF ENERGY NEEDED TO FINISH YOUR MEAL

 

MAN WITH EXTRA-SENSORY IGNORANCE HAS AMAZING ABILITY TO MAKE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS ABOUT SITUATIONS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN

 

HOW TO TEACH YOUR NEWBORN INFANT TO KEEP AWAY FROM STRANGERS

HEROIC DOG ABLE TO CALL 9-1-1 AFTER MAULING ITS OWNER

DEVASTATING HURRICANE IN BERMUDA LEAVES THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS WITHOUT VACATION PLANS

FDA APPROVES NEW RAT POISON AFTER SUCCESSFUL TESTS ON LABORATORY RATS

AT WHAT AGE SHOULD YOU STOP SPANKING YOUR KIDS?

NEW GRADUATE SCHOOL STUDY DETERMINES NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DISSERTATION

CIRCUS CLOWN VISITING CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL BEING ASKED NOT TO WEAR “SAD FACE” MAKE-UP ANYMORE

FINANCIALLY TROUBLED PLAYBOY MAGAZINE HOPING TO REBOUND WITH ITS UPCOMING “GIRLS OF FREE INTERNET PORN” ISSUE

INNOVATIVE DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH EXPERIMENTS WITH FILMING LOW-BUDGET MOVIE ON THE SAME DAY AS ITS THEATRICAL RELEASE

CARP CATCHES RECORD-SETTING 3 LB BAIT

800 POUND MAN ARRESTED FOR EXPOSING HIMSELF AFTER ACCUSATIONS THAT MIGHT BE NAKED

TITO JACKSON OPENS NEVERLAND APARTMENT

BUDGET CUTS FORCE SCHOOL TO ELIMINATE ITS ACADEMIC PROGRAM

OJ SIMPSON FINALLY ADMITS TO ALLEGEDLY MURDERING HIS WIFE

 

'GLOBAL WARMING' SKEPTICS ARGUE THAT THE ENDANGERED POLAR BEAR POPULATION IS JUST PART OF THE POLAR BEARS’ NATURAL CYCLE OF BEING ENDANGERED

WOMAN OVERCOMES LIFETIME OF DRUG ADDICTION TO BECOME CASUAL USER

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN ABOUT SEX WHILE THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX

NIGHTCLUB INDUSTRY LOOKS FOR NEW WAYS TO CONVINCE PATRONS THEY'RE NOT HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME

STUDY FINDS CHILDREN WHO WATCH MORE THAN 18 HOURS OF TV A DAY ARE LESS LIKELY TO ATTEND SCHOOL

DEAD MAN'S EULOGY MOMENTARILY INTERRUPTED BY THE TRUTH

U.S. DEPT. OF OFFENSE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO INVADE SWEDEN

CRYSTAL METH NOW AVAILABLE IN ALL 50 STATES WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION

STUDY REVEALS VIDEO-GAME VIOLENCE LINKED TO HIGH SCORES

NEW BOOK FOCUSES ON BASEBALL’S SCANDAL-RIDDEN 1895-2009 ERA

McDONALD’S ADDS EMPLOYEE BENEFITS TO DOLLAR MENU

APE RAISED BY HUMANS STILL ACTS LIKE APE

STUDY FINDS KARATE SELF-DEFENSE CLASSES INEFFECTIVE AGAINST ATTACKERS WITH BLACK BELTS

BURLINGTON, VT MAYOR FORCED TO RESIGN AMID ACCUSATIONS THAT HIS TERM IS UP

BODY OF MISSING MAN FOUND GAMBLING IN LAS VEGAS

U.S. DRUG CZAR WARNS POT-LACED BROWNIES COULD BE GATEWAY TO MORE DANGEROUS BROWNIES

POLL SHOWS ‘HEALTH CARE’ TOP ISSUE AMONG PEOPLE IN EMERGENCY ROOMS

NEW iTUNES UPGRADE LETS USERS DOWNLOAD NEW ELTON JOHN ALBUM DIRECTLY TO COMPUTER’S RECYCLE BIN

NEW STUDY IS ASKING “ARE TEENS BECOMING DESENSITIZED TO THE VIOLENCE THEY COMMIT?”

SWING VOTERS ALREADY UNDECIDED ABOUT 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

FITCHBURG, MA MAYOR PROMISES NEW SHOPPING CENTER WILL HELP REVIVE CRIME IN IMPOVERISHED NEIGHBORHOOD

OBAMA’S JOB GROWTH PLAN TO INCLUDE CREATION OF 2.5 MILLION NEW CABINET POSTS 

LAWYER SPECIALIZING IN WILLS WON'T TAKE ANY LEGAL FEES UNLESS YOU DIE

90’s ROCK BAND ‘PANTERA’ FOUND DEAD OF AN OVERDOSE

STUDY PREDICTS 75% OF OBESE AMERICANS WILL BE HEAVIER BY 2015

NEW STUDY FINDS 51% OF TEENAGERS CAN’T NAME THEIR STATE’S NAME

NEW RULING ALLOWS ATHEISTS TESTIFYING IN COURT TO SWEAR ON THEIR MOTHERS’ GRAVES

PIZZA HUT’S NEW MEAT-LOVER’S PIZZA NOW WITH STEAK-FILLED CRUST

ZOO FORCED TO AMPUTATE BEAR'S LIMBS AFTER IT ATTACKS TRAINER

"SEX TIPS" FOR COUPLES NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER

NEW YORK KNICKS FULFILL DYING BOY’S WISH OF ACTUALLY MAKING AN EFFORT DURING TONIGHT’S GAME

FDA APPROVES PILL THAT LOWERS THE DESIRE TO START SMOKING

‘SAVED BY THE BELL’ STAR DUSTIN “SCREECH” DIAMOND RECEIVES BOWL OF SOUP ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK-OF-FAME 

SONY’S NEW HIGH-DEF BLU-RAY PLAYER REFUSES TO PLAY STANDARD DVD’S

RELIGIOUS SATANISTS CONCERNED THAT PEOPLE ARE LOSING THE TRUE OPPOSITE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

NEW POLL FINDS 75% OF TEENAGERS BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD LEGALIZE THE MARIJUANA IN THEIR BACKPACK

NEW CONGRESSIONAL HOUSE BILL WILL INVENT 40 THOUSAND NEW JOBS

PRESIDENT OBAMA RESCINDS MILITARY’S “DON’T ASK DON’T TELL” POLICY IN ORDER TO START SEPARATE GAY ARMY

JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE STILL MADE FROM THE FINEST CUTS OF PIG-LIKE SPECIES

MAN WITH WORLD’S LONGEST FINGERNAILS LOSES TITLE TO MAN WITH WORLD’S FASTEST GROWING FINGERNAILS

AUTHORITIES DISCOVER OCEAN BOY RAISED BY DOLPHINS MORE SOCIALLY COMPETENT THAN OTHER BOYS HIS AGE

SISTER-IN-LAW AWARDED DISTINGUISHED MEDDLING OF HONOR

FOX NEWS REPLACES NEIL CAVUTO SHOW WITH DEAD AIR

THREE DEAD IN TUESDAY’S MURDER/SUICIDE/RICOCHET BULLET

NETFLIX NO LONGER REQUIRING ITS SUBSCRIBERS TO SEND BACK ROBIN WILLIAMS MOVIES   

MASSIVE ANTI-BULLYING MEDIA CAMPAIGN FORCES BULLIES TO STEP IT UP

NEW POLL FIDS 99% OF ALCOHOLICS WILL ANSWER QUESTIONS IN EXCHANGE FOR ALCOHOL

SURPRISING NEW POLL FINDS THAT 28% OF STARVING POLAR BEARS STILL DON’T BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING

STUDY SHOWS MORE AMERICANS ARE OPPOSED TO CORPORATE WELFARE FOR POOR PEOPLE

AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION ADDS “SEX ADDICTION” TO ITS LIST OF MENTAL NORMALCIES

FDA APPROVES EXTRA-STRENGTH PLACEBO TO BETTER FOOL THE PATIENT  

THIS YEAR’S SUPER BOWL MVP BEING FORCED TO GO ON DISNEY CRUISE

WRIGLEY FIELD INSTALLS DARKENERS FOR OVERLY BRIGHT DAY GAMES

THE TWO BEST-LOOKING PEOPLE AT SALSA DANCING CLASS ARE PROBABLY HOOKING UP BY NOW

NEW STUDY FINDS GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS FORCED TO WORK AT LEAST ONE JOB IN ORDER TO MAKE ENDS MEET

ASTROLOGISTS AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DISCOVER A NEW SIGN

NEW POLL FINDS 99% OF ALCOHOLICS WILL ANSWER QUESTIONS IN EXCHANGE FOR ALCOHOL

WHAM-O SLIP 'N SLIDE NOW COMES WITH INFLATABLE FIRST AID KIT

TEXTING WHILE CRASHING UP 40%

NEW NFL HELMETS DESIGNED TO PROTECT PLAYERS DURING LIGHTNING STORMS

WOMAN DESCRIBES HER MESSY DIVORCE AS A "JOURNEY"

EPA LOOKS FOR BETTER WAYS TO DISPOSE OF ASBESTOS THAN JUST FEEDING IT TO ANIMALS

JESSICA SIMPSON RELEASES NEW ALBUM IN WHICH SHE CO-WROTE THREE OF THE LINER NOTES

AUTHORITIES RELEASE LOST COUPLE’S 411 TAPE TO THE MEDIA

U.S. ARMY HOPING TO RAISE ENLISTMENT NUMBERS BY MAKING BETTLE BAILEY FUNNIER

SONY’S NEW CAR RADIO ABLE TO HOLD UP TO 5000 SONGS

SNICKERS BAR INTRODUCES “ALL YOU CAN EAT“ SIZE

FDA APPROVES NEW OBESITY DRUG THAT BLOCKS FOOD FROM ENTERING THE MOUTH

KIRK CAMERON PRODUCING “GROWING PAINS” REUNION ABOUT THE RAPTURE

‘PARTERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA’ TO START NEW TV CAMPAIGN WARNING KIDS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF ENJOYING DRUGS

DISTURBING NEW STUDY FINDS 75% OF TEENAGERS CAN’T NAME THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE STUDY FINDS BOYS NOT REACHING SEXUAL MATURITY UNTIL THEIR LATE 40’s 

 

OLYMPIC TRACK STAR BECOMES FIRST MAN TO WALK A MILE IN UNDER 13 MINUTES

 

“REALISTIC PROMISE” RINGS BECOMING MORE POPULAR AMONG TEENS VOWING NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH MORE THAN SIX PARTNERS BEFORE MARRIAGE

 

LITTLE LEAGUE COACH BLAMES HIS DIVORCE ON A LACk OF HUSTLE

 

IS YOUR BINGE-DRINKING CHILD AT RISK FOR ALCOHOLISM?

 

READERS DISAPPOINTED THAT SERIAL KILLER’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY CONTAINS NO MENTION OF SERIAL KILLINGS

CONTROVERSIAL GENETICS PROCEDURE ALLOWS WOMEN TO CHOOSE THE RACE OF THEIR BABY

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS WHEN YOU CATCH THEM LOOKING AT YOU LOOKING AT INTERNET PORN

GROWING NUMBER OF TEENAGE BOYS BEING PRESSURED INTO NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX

NEW STUDY FINDS COLLEGE GRADUATES EARN HALF A MILLION DOLLARS MORE OVER THE COURSE OF A LIFETIME IF THEY CAN FIND A JOB

NEW CONGRESSMAN VOWS TO CONDEMN GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION

GROWING NUMBER OF COLLEGES FIGHTING ON-CAMPUS DRINKING BY OFFERING NON-ALCOHOLIC SOCIAL ACTIVITIES THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE TOO DRUNK TO ENJOY

NEW PILLSBURY COOKIE DOUGH FLAVORED COOKIE MIX REQUIRES NO BAKING

STUDY FINDS "MEDICAL EXAMS" TO BE TOP SEXUAL FETISH AMONG DOCTORS

SEX TIPS FOR COUPLES IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

AUTHORITIES CONCERNED ABOUT GROWING POPULARITY OF NEW DRUG EVEN LESS DANGEROUS THAN MARIJUANA

NETFLIX NEW “PREMIUM ACCESS” ENABLES SUBSCRIBERS TO WATCH STREAMING MOVIES ON THEIR HOME APPLIANCES

“ABSOLUT ETROG” LIMITED EDITION VODKA TO BE AVAILABLE IN TIME FOR SUKKOT

TIPS ON FOOLING YOUR PET INTO EATING HEALTHIER

FAT GUY SHOVELING SNOW WITH HIS SHIRT OFF

DOG BASEBALL GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF THUNDER

SUPER RELIGIOUS ARIZONA CARDINALS FORM PRAYER CIRCLE ON THE FIELD AFTER ROOKIE TIGHT END PULLS HAMSTRING

LARRY KING'S RATINGS DOWN AMONG ALL-IMPORTANT "LARRY KING'S EX-WIVES" DEMOGRAPHIC

POLLSTERS USING INTERNET FORUMS IN ORDER TO GET A SENSE OF THE NATION'S LUNATICS' MOOD 

ALARMING RISE IN BABIES BORN TO FERTILITY-DRUG ADDICTED MOTHERS

GLADE AIR FRESHENER SPRAY DESIGNED TO FIGHT ODOR CAUSED BY GLOBAL WARMING

EVEN LAUGH TRACK SILENT DURING TAPING OF NEW BOB SAGET SIT-COM

FDA APPROVES PRESCRIPTION DRUG THAT GIVES MEN WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION THE CONFIDENCE TO SEEK A CURE FOR THEIR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

HARVARD UNIVERSITY AWARDS CHARLIE SHEEN WITH AN IMAGINARY DOCTORATE

NEW STUDY DETERMINES CONDOMS FOUND TO BE LESS THAN 2% EFFECTIVE FOR WOMEN TRYING TO GET PREGNANT

HOSTESS INTRODUCES NEW PACKAGING MATERIAL THAT ENABLES SNACK CAKES TO MAINTAIN THEIR FRESHNESS FOR UP TO 5 TIMES LONGER THAN THE POINT AT WHICH THEY'RE STILL SAFE TO EAT

PEPSI BEATS MILK IN BLIND TASTE TESTS

DASANI INTRODUCES MICROWAVABLE FROZEN WATER

DENTAL RECORDS CONFIRM MURDER VICTIM NEEDED BRACES

GROWING NUMBER OF FAMILIES STRUGGLING TO PAY FOR THEIR KIDS' COLLEGE CELL PHONE BILLS

AVERAGE AMERICAN 20-25 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT, ACCORDING TO NEW STUDY BY EHARMONY.COM

4 OUR OF 5 ABSENTEE DENTISTS NOW RECOMMENDING SUGARLESS GUM TO BEING AT HOME WITH THEIR FAMILIES

PUSSY ZOOKEEPER MAULED BY LEMUR

DRUNKEN TEENAGERS DON'T REALIZE THEY'VE BEEN LIMO-JACKED UNTIL DAYS AFTER THE PROM

STARBUCKS TO OPEN THOUSANDS OF SMALL, INDEPENDENT-STYLE COFFEE SHOPS IN ORDER TO COMPETE WITH SMALL, INDEPENDENT COFFEE SHOPS STRUGGLING TO STAY OPEN DUE TO STARBUCKS

NATIONAL HIGHWAY TRAFFIC SAFETY COMMISSION ANNOUNCES THAT ALL VEHICLES MUST BE EQUIPPED WITH SAFETY MECHANISM THAT WARNS DRIVERS WHEN THEY ARE CRASHING

ROMANTIC COMEDY STARRING TOM BERENGER AND TIFFANY AMBER THIESSAN HEADING STRAIGHT TO VHS

BUDGET CUTS FORCE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION TO CUT ITS MUSIC PROGRAM

NICOTINE PATCH NOW AVAILABLE IN SMOKEABLE STICK FORM

NEW GOVERNMENT SAFETY STANDARDS REQUIRING ALL JEEP WRANGLERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH PASSENGER SIDE DOORS

JIM BEAN INTRODUCES LINE OF NON-ALCOHOLIC BOURBON

M&M'S CANDY TO PRODUCE NEW LINE OF LOW-CALORIE COLORS

NEW SUPER STRENGTH DORITOS NOW AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION

INJURY-PRONE KELLEN WINSLOW JR. ENTERS GAME ON A STRETCHER

SCIENTISTS ABLE TO CLONE CHICKENS USING THE COLONEL’S SECRET RECIPE

EHARMONY.COM SPOKESMAN SAYS ELUSIVE SERIAL KILLER FITS THEIR PERSONALITY PROFILE

SICK TWIN REUNITED WITH HIS LONG-LOST BONE MARROW MATCH

FDA APPROVES ANTI-AGING PILL ABLE TO TAKE 20 YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE

SCHOOL SAFETY PROGRAM TEACHES CHOKING KIDS NOT TO ACCEPT HEIMLICH MANEUVER FROM STRANGERS

HIGH ENERGY COSTS FORCING PEOPLE ON RESPIRATORS TO CANCEL THEIR SUMMER LIVING PLANS